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  • Paul Davidson

The Question Game Returns, Part Deux, Paragraph 4.32b

I am well aware of your thoughts today. You got up, took a shower, ate breakfast and got yourself to work. Once there you powered up your computer, checked your main sites, then came on down to your friendly neighborhood WFME. You didn’t expect, in the least, that you would be faced with having to answer questions.

Well, ha ha ha. You do.

Question #1 As usual, pick one of the following to happen to you.

a. You will find that your closet has been emptied and re-filled with the checkered-gaudy outfit that the rabbit wore in Disney’s Alice in Wonderland and they have been resized for you, replete with a hat and ticking pocketwatch. You must wear this anywhere you go, and when someone asks you why you’re dressing so stupidly, you simply have to say, “I’m late! I’m late!” and then rush off down the hall.

b. You must take care of 100 rabbits who will continue to reproduce on a weekly basis, of which you have no control over. You may never sell them or give them away.

Question #2 Which one?

a. You may only communicate with others using theme songs from 80’s television shows. For example, if someone asks you how your day is going you couldn’t say “Fine, how about you?” but you could say, “You take the good, you take the bad, you take them all and there you have the Facts of Life…”. Or, you could say, “Believe it or not, I’m walking on air, I never thought I could feel so free-ee-ee.” You don’t have to sing them, but you have to say them in rhythm.

b. You would have to emulate Tootie from The Facts of Life. This means constantly wearing roller skates and pretty much being annoying at any given point throughout the day.

Question #3 That’s right, pick one of the following.

a. You would have to live in a display window of Crate & Barrell. They would feed you, and constantly change your bed and furnishing surroundings and clothing, but you could never leave the window…much like the title character in the movie Mannequin and Mannequin 2: Electric Boogaloo.

b. Crate & Barrell would furnish your entire house with display items. This means that none of the drawers would open, none of the TVs or computers would actually work, and none of the fruit would be edible. But it would look nice. Really damn nice.

Question #4 You know what to do…

a. You would have the song “MMM Bop” by Hanson stuck in your head for the rest of your life.

b. You would have the song “Jump” by Kriss Kross stuck in your head for the rest of your life.

Question #5 Last but certainly not least…

a. Every morning you must follow the same routine to a “T”: You get up to your alarm, which you hit the snooze button on three consecutive times even though it turns off after the first. Then, you get up and put your left foot on the floor, lift it up, put it back down, then lift it up again, while placing your right foot on the floor. Once your right foot is on the floor you can put your left foot down. Now you can stand up and go to the bathroom where you must turn the light switch on and off twenty-two times. Once you’ve done that you can go in and you must open and close the mirrored medicine cabinet six times, each time seeing yourself you must say outloud, “You look mah-velous!” Then you can take a shower, but you must run the soap up and down each arm twenty-two times before you can move on. This is the same for your legs and when you use the towel to dry your body. When you blow your hair you must turn it on and off twenty-two times before you can use it fully. Then before you leave the bathroom you must click the switch on and off again twenty-two times, and you must hop on your left foot all the way to the closet where you can only put on clothes that have an odd number of buttons on them.

b. You’ll be blind in your left eye and must wear a pirate patch.

. . .

In other news — I have no interest in the season finales of that show with those six attractive people on that peacock network, and I have not mentioned any of their names in an attempt to keep frantic “you-know-whoogle” searchers from arriving here, via that.

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