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The Post Where I Finally Give Up on SNL

It just ain’t happenin’, people.

Saturday Night Live has basically sucked for a long long long long time. Periodically you get a sketch here and there that’s decent (like last night’s Will Ferrell Jeopardy sketch) but normally you’ll find that the first sketch of the ENTIRE SHOW actually sucks the big one, too.

So, what’s the damn problem, Lorne?

I have taken what I believe to be the Top 10 sketches since the show’s inception and broken each sketch down to the elements that make the sketch funny so you can see really what lies beneath. Then, I have taken those important elements and created my own sketch which I believe would be well-received and eventually turned into a high-grossing SNL movie.

Here are the Top 10 sketches (in no particular order):

10: Hamburger, Hamburger, Pepsi: Diner patrons watch on as cook (Belushi) and server (Akroyd) serve up “hamburger, hamburger, cheesburger, and pepsi.” Elements: Repetitive words being said over and over again add to the hilarity and the ludricrous tag-line mentality of this sketch.

09: Land Shark: A shark tries everything to get innocent apartment dwellers to open the door so he can finally eat them. “Special delivery”, “Pizza guy”, and “Avon Calling” are just some of his tries at getting inside. Elements: Person dressed up in huge shark suit.

08: Wayne’s World: Wayne and Garth, two losers in Aurora, Illinois broadcast a music-related cable access show from their basement. Elements: Tag lines (“schwing” and “excellent”) and wigs galore.

07: Hanz and Franz: Two burly Ahhnold wannabes, wanna just “pump you up.” Elements: Muscle suits, shorn hair, and clapping.

06: The Cheerleaders: Male and female cheerleader do ludicrous cheers and exhibit extreme enthusiasm while doing it. Elements: Rhyming phrases and words, which people always find funny because they can’t think up such rhyming elements on the fly…on their own.

05: Mango: Weird, metrosexual entertainer uses powers to get others to fall in love with him. Elements: Chris Kattan, looking gay and wearing heavy eye make-up.

04: The Roxbury Boys: Two brothers and one cameo character dance all the way to a club to a certain familiar popular radio anthem, while nodding their heads to the music. Elements: Catchy song, physical comedy and bodily harm.

03: Mr. Short Term Memory: Character (played by Tom Hanks) who can’t remember the last thing anyone’s said. Elements: Obscure physical and mental ailment.

02: The Church Lady: Religious woman hosts show where she lambasts those who are not obeying the lord’s word. Elements: Guy dressed up as old woman, high pitched voice, and unique ending sketch dance.

01: Makin’ Copies: Guy at desk constantly talks an almost-different language to those makin’ copies nearby. Elements: Pop culture tag line (adds -ator to the end of anyone’s name… i.e., Bruce-enator) and sing-songy dialogue.

OK.

Combining one element from each of the above sketches gives us a brand-new sketch with the following elements: Repetitive words, a huge costume, great taglines, clapping, rhyming, heavy-eye makeup, catchy theme song, obscure mental ailment, guy dressed up as old woman and a special tag-line way of referring to others in the sketch.

Free Willy & Mrs. Keebler Concept: A scientist injured in a chemical accident believes he’s the famous whale from the movie Free Willy and goes around wearing a huge whale costume alongside his elderly wife (played by a guy in an old woman suit). The two of them solve crimes on a weekly basis, but our whale-wannabe can only really think logically (i.e., solve crimes) when his wife plays the Cher song “Do You Believe In Life After Love” on a mini-cassette player she carries in her handbag. Our whale/scientist always uses the word “Chum” in every sentence…for example: “It seems our two suspects have become chummy,” or “It’s just entirely chum-tastic if you ask me!”. Usually, our whale/scientist gets distracted by anything having to do with fish, while his wife is more concerned with cleaning his blow-hole.

Yes, sir. I think WFME has solved the SNL slump.

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