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The Post That Resembles Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight”

You.

I was perusing the tomatos and the lettuce heads in the grocery store (Whole Foods, to be exact) last night when I laid eyes on you. There you stood, right in front of all those plastic dry food containers, looking at them. You looked at the dried pineapple. You perused the nuts. You paid particular attention to the dried mango slices flavored with low-cal fruit juice.

And then it happened.

You reached in. Grabbed a handful of dried mango slices. And started walking around the store eating them. You did this with the full knowledge that there’s a sign above those plastic tubs that reads, “No samples, please.”

Oooh, I so saw you do it.

I followed you around the store, watching you as you finished consuming the “free mango slices” you had felt were your own. I watched you as you licked your fingers, following the brash actions you had taken. I knew something had to be done.

That’s why I hope you’re reading this right now, mango slice thief. That’s why I hope the entire world will find out just what kind of person you really are. That’s why I hope, in the dark of night, you awaken and realize the horror you’ve brought upon many, if not thousands.

You are a thief of mango slices, and I know who you are. You are a thief of fruit-juice infused mango slices. And I know who you are.

Yes I know who you are.

I sent you an anonymous invitation to my blog last night, telling you there would be something here for you to read. Well, surprise! This is it.

I hope your mango slice stealing days are over, punk.

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