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  • Paul Davidson

The Nightime Sniffling Sneezing Coughing Aching Stuffyhead Fever So You Can Rest Medicine

If you know me, you know that I once took Nyquil and woke up three days later.

Nyquil is, as far as I’m concerned, the closest things to suspended animation that we have in this day and age. There are, I’m guessing, a ton of people in today’s society who are their own Rip Van Winkles…each of which have taken Nyquil and then awakened days later in surprise. And they probably mentioned this strange situation to their family and friends and they all probably just told them they were crazy.

Making the matter even worse is the fact that Nyquil has such a catchy and quick little tagline that all the kids these days are probably chugging the stuff in back alleys and on the four-square blacktop at their elementary schools.

Shame on you, Nyquil.

While we’re involved in poo-poo’ing Nyquil, let’s break down their catchy little tagline and see really what it all means:

The: Refers to the word ‘The’.

Nighttime: Refers to the time of day that’s dark, without the sun shining.

Sniffling: Refers to the moment in which mucus enters the nasal cavity, resulting in a sound that is described by this word.

Sneezing: Refers to the moment in which mucus enters the nasal cavity, makes its way down to the frontal lobish areas of the nasal cavity, then causes you to blow out the mucus in a violent stream of wet-dust.

Coughing: Refers to the moment in which mucus enters the nasal cavity, slides down into your throat and past your epiglottis, then causes you to blow out the mucus in a violent hacking sound via your mouth.

Aching: Refers to the pain associated with aches, and well, pains.

Stuffy-head: Refers to the moment in which mucus enters the nasal cavity, is frozen in a suspended animation of sorts, and stays in your skull, causing the feeling of stuffed-head.

Fever: When your forehead is warm to the touch.

So: Refers to the album by Peter Gabriel, featuring the song “In Your Eyes”.

You: Refers to one who loves to go to Nordstrom.

Can: Primarily used in wintertime and in preparation of nuclear attack, prevents food from going rotten.

Rest: See Siesta.

Medicine: Refers to the way in which government agencies continue to fleece America.

So as you can see, there’s a lot more going on there in Nyquil’s so-called innocent tag line. I think I can now speak openly for all of you that we will never enter voluntary suspended animation ever again.

Unless we’ve got a really bad cough or headache.

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