The New Urban Legends (L00K! New!)

Yeah, yeah — she put her cat in the microwave.

I’m getting a little sick and tired of the same old refurbished urban legends. From cats in microwaves to Pop Rocks and Coca Cola in your stomach to the guy with the hook for a hand scaring macking teenagers in cars in the wild to that Bill Gates e-mail everyone is so fond of.

Just like we replace our TVs and cars and houses and inner-breasts…isn’t it time to replace the old, tired urban legends with some new ones? Give the next few generations something to really talk about? Right, I agree. And so, without further delay, I give you a selection of new urban legends that we should all start talking about — give it some time and be patient… It takes a good six months to a year for a new urban legend to become part of the common-day lexicon.

The American Idol Urban Legend: The most popular show on television today has a very dark secret. Something so sinister, it has turned people’s well-tanned L.A. faces bright white. It has been uttered in secret offices that 20% of those auditioning for the show this season were, in fact, much better singers than any of the people picked for the show. And that those 20% can no longer be found so as to not cause suspicion. And that Ryan Seacrest is a robot, too.

The TiVo Urban Legend: Those who know the creators of TiVo have started to speak of this freaky urban legend regarding the little TiVo mascot which happens to be a TV with legs, a face, two arms and antenna. When users of TiVo press the button for the “TiVo Menu” and then press the number “0” on they keypad, it brings up a cartoon of the little TiVo character riding down chutes with tons of multicolored balls. It is said that anyone who is able to record this sequence and watches only the red balls will, in seven days, suddenly get a case of really bad red rashes that, if not treated, will scar ones’ body forever.

The Boba Milk Urban Legend: For those unaware, boba milk is a milk/tea that is served with a healthy helping of boba (tapioca balls) coated in chocolate colored surroundings. These mini-balls are chewy and pretty much an aquired taste, but have become extremely popular lately. However, it has been said that if you go into a Boba Tea Shop and do not tip the cashier at least one dollar, they have the option of including one or two boba balls filled with baby spider eggs. Once imbibed, the baby spider boba balls filled with eggs will enter your system, and slowly kill you — but will appear as if you simply ate spiders as a prank, then forgot, then died. Watch out!

iTunes Music Store Urban Legend: Having just sold over 1,000,000 songs via iTunes, the music powerhouse has become mainstream bigtime. But some have said there is a very dangerous and satanic side to the Steve Jobs’ created mainstream music supplier. It has been rumored that if you were to download 66 songs, while sitting backwards on your chair, and while playing the evil game Diablo all at the same time — that when the 66 songs have been downloaded, there is one unfortunate thing that will have been upload to Apple servers. That one thing? Your soul. Muhahahaha.

The Trim Spa Urban Legend: Although Anna Nicole Smith supposedly lost a ton of weight taking the Trim Spa pill, there is one other thing she lost as well… Her ability to urinate on command. Apparently, by taking the pills, it regresses your inner bladder to the age of a five month old baby. I know, weird. But if it’s worth losing all that weight, then go pick up some Depends and smile with those fake veneers while you wet yourself until the end of time.

Coke’s C2 Urban Legend: C2 is made from regular old automobile grade oil. With sugar. Lots and lots of sugar. And that can do something very very very bad to your insides. Really bad. Do you hear me? Watch out! Run away! Save yourselves.

The Who Is Paul Davidson Really, Urban Legend: Some people have wondered aloud their suspicions that Paul Davidson (a.k.a. Pauly D, a.k.a. David Paulson) is in actuality a well-known celebrity. Some have said he is Albert Brooks. Others have suspected he may be Jerry Seinfeld. Others have postulated that he is, in fact, Jamie Kennedy or even Zach Galligan or Frank Whaley. If, in fact, he is a celebrity who has wished to remain anonymous by creating the name “Paul Davidson” and publishing a book under said name to help with the ruse, then all of us have been taken big time. Oh, and also, if you utter the name Paul Davidson while eating graham crackers and milk…you will die.