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  • Paul Davidson

The <i>Gremlins</i> Diet

1. Don’t look at or shine yourself with bright lights. 2. Never get yourself wet. 3. And whatever you do, never, ever feed yourself after midnight.

It’s a diet whose time has come.

With all the cockamamie diet drinks, pills, machines, patches, hypnosis tapes and what not that fill the pages of health and fitness mags, televisions late at night and the general consciousness of America, don’t you think it’s time for the diet that I once had called, “The diet to end all diets simply because it was so on the cusp of being the most groundbreaking diet ever?”

Sure it was wordy. But I was giddy with excitement when I had come up with the idea and didn’t have time to be grammatically correct.

So, you’re asking yourself, “What is the Gremlins diet and how do I start taking part in such a strange-sounding weight-loss system? What are the catches? How much does it cost? Does it require any surgical procedures whatsoever?”

No, no, no, no, no and no! (This part I think was part of another post, sorry!)

The Gremlins Diet was inspired, of course, by the 1984 movie starring WFME friend Zach Galligan in which a town is overrun by a pack of violent little creatures who want nothing more than to cause chaos.

The same goes for the fat cells inside your body.

The diet itself only has three rules. No points to keep track of, no serving sizes to worry about, no carbs this or protein that. It is the diet for this generation — a generation of people who are lazy, who have no time to keep track of numbers and charts and swatches, a diet for people who have just enough brain cells left to memorize three rules that happen to also be the same three rules from a movie they saw in 1984 when their brain cells were still intact.

Three rules.

1. Don’t look at or shine yourself with bright lights. Spotlights are for models. When you shine a light on yourself you are gaining unwanted attention that, in the end, causes you to second guess your body. It is a psychological rule that will get you in the right mindset for losing weight. There’s no need to draw attention to your masterpiece until you are finally off the diet. So as long as you’re on it, NO LIGHTS. This does not mean, of course, that you can’t go out in the sun. It just means, do not shine lights on yourself, by yourself. You’ll be glad to know, as long as you don’t work on Broadway, in local theater or as one of those night prison guards atop a big tower — this rule will be hard to break.

2. Never get yourself wet. Nothing makes a dieting person feel more fat than a wet t-shirt contest. Or a slip and slide. Or having those baggy clothes you wear to hide your figure turned into slick, sticky, body-conforming wet suits. Getting wet makes you look wet, it shows you what your exact figure looks like, and we don’t like it one bit. Psychological again. Showers are okay, periodically. But let’s face it — when you’re on a diet you don’t need to see yourself naked or in soaking wet clothes. So stay away from water. You can drink it if totally necessary.

3. And whatever you do, never, ever feed yourself after midnight. This is the cornerstone of The Gremlins Diet. No eating after midnight. By sticking to this hard rule your body will, instead of trying to digest that pizza at one in the morning, burn off the evil fat cells trying to wreak havoc inside your system. It’s easy to remember, somewhat easy to do, and the big wrap up to the three-ruled wonder that is The Gremlins Diet.

Sure, dieting is hard. Sure, dieting requires confidence and dedication. But when has it ever been easier? There are diets that have come before… The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang Diet, The Hoop Dreams Diet, The Dude I Lost My Car Diet, and the most horrendous train-wreck of a diet any of us have been privy to: The Posiedon Adventure Diet. But all of them have come up short.

Now, without having to pony up some cash, send away for straps, patches and pills — WFME gives you a freebie. Something you should feel free to share with any and all of your friends and family. We do it because we care. We do it because we share.

We do it, because we love you.

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