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  • Paul Davidson

The “I Can Hard-Boil An Egg” Argument

Me: I can boil a hard boiled egg.

Them: You’re kidding me, right?

Me: No. Why would I kid you about something like that?

Them: Well, people don’t just go around announcing they can boil a hard boiled egg unless there’s a part of them that likes to joke with people.

Me: What, is hard boiling an egg not a serious cooking goal to have?

Them: Well, the egg is sort of an insignificant food item.

Me: Ever heard of french toast?

Them: Sure, but-

Me: Cake?

Them: Yes…

Me: Scrambled egg omlet?

Them: Sure, it’s an ingredient. But it’s not really a food. It enhances foods, yes. It’s a building block of foods. But it’s not a food.

Me: People eat eggs as eggs, all the time.

Them: Yeah, like Jamie Gibbons.

Me: Jamie Gibbons?

Them: Fifth grade. One of the kids in the special-ed program. Remember? Walked with a limp and always sang the theme song to “The A-Team”?

Me: Oh, yeah.

Them: He ate hard-boiled eggs for lunch every day. Usually ate half the egg and the rest of it landed all over his shirt.

Me: So, you’re saying that the desire to make and/or eat hard boiled eggs makes someone retarded?

Them: Not retarded. Special.

Me: Well, then I’m special for being able to hard boil one.

Them: You so don’t know how to hard boil an egg.

Me: Try me.

Them: How many minutes do you boil it for? And do you put the raw egg in still water or boiling water? Do you cover the pot or do you leave it uncovered? Do you crack the egg’s shell off while it’s warm or cold?

Me: Seven minutes. Raw egg goes in boiling water for seven minutes, covered. Crack the shell while it’s warm.

Them: Wow.

Me: I told you.

Them: You really have nothing better to do with your time then become the poster boy for hard boiling eggs, eh?

Me: Someday you’re going to regret the fact that you put down the boiling of eggs as a trivial pursuit.

Them: But I’ll be dead by then, so it’ll be okay.

Me: Okay. I can agree with you on that.

Them: Cool. We good then?

Me: Yeah, we’re good.

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