I like to ask questions. Some of you know this more than others. But I really just find that as a writer, it’s the answers to inane questions that tell me more about a person than not.
Recently, the family got together for a big holiday (that must have been in November or December) and I unleashed my latest set of questions on them. Surprisingly, even my 80-something grandmother (although a bit put off) found it interesting.
Question #1 You have to accept one of the following conditions:
a. You wake up and find out that you have a dead raccoon carcass in your stomach. You will never be able to have it removed. You will periodically burp and taste the carcass, sometimes during fancy meals. You will feel a bit heavier because of what’s in your stomach. You cannot get it out by going to the bathroom, either.
b. You will be forced to eat a living, breathing cat.
Question #2 Again, you must choose one of the following things to happen to you.
a. Your left foot will be amputated, and you may never get one of those fake-left feet. You will forever have a stump on your left foot.
b. No matter whether you’re male or female, you will be endowed with Double-F breasts that cannot be removed or reduced through any surgical manner.
Question #3 You must, for a third time, choose one of the following.
a. You will spend an entire day at work, in the nude, atop your boss’ desk.
b. You will spend an entire day at work, in the nude, under your boss’ desk.
My grandmother didn’t seem so pleased with the Double-F breast question, but what the hell. I mean, we are supposed to be fostering a grandmother/grandson adult relationship now that I’m over 30. Right?
Well, what would YOU do? I’d go for the carcass in my stomach (I don’t think I could eat a live, furry cat), the amputated foot (less people would gawk at me) and nude on top of the desk (for fear of being labeled a “sleeper to the topper“).
(Ed. note: I know some of my readers, with weird freaky foot issues, may have had trouble stomaching the above post and for that, I am deeply sorry. Cough. Jellybeans.)
In other news, I just finished off an entire box of Corn Bran cereal, without milk — because I have been informed that I am allergic to dairy products.