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  • Paul Davidson

The Best Buy Greeter Coefficient

Let me set the scene.

It is the weekend. You want to go see if, now that you have all the 0% APR credit you can imagine, there’s something you want to buy with it. You drive on down to your local Best Buy and park. You get out of your car. You walk to the front doors, which automatically open as you enter the store. And there, just inside stands a Best Buy uniformed employee who says to you…

“Hi! Welcome to Best Buy! How are you today?”

It’s a disturbing and confusing experience all at once because you are moving at a steady speed on your way into the store for many reasons. Some of which include the fact that you don’t want the people trailing behind you to get to the section you’re heading to before you for fear of them getting the last of whatever it is you’re there for. Secondly, much like driving in a car at 50 miles per hour and hitting the brakes — you and all the contents you possess will go flying forward and smash against the inner-windshield.

So, stopping for Mr./Mrs./Ms. Best Buy Greeter is something that is out of the question.

Yet, there they are, greeting you and asking you how you are doing (mostly because they have been trained to ask you to do so) but you are a human being are you not? You can’t just ignore such a person after they’ve taken the time to welcome you and see how life is treating you?

So, hotshot — what do you do?

You’re moving at about 4 miles per hour when you walk through that electronic door. And taking into consideration the speed it takes for sound to hit your ear as you travel 4 mph, you won’t hear the friendly greeing until you’re about flush with the greeter themselves. There are people behind you, you can’t stop. You’re chewing a piece of gum. What can you do or say to make everything, all good?

(a) Say something quickly and incoherent like “shabugh lahuda zaaaaa, yeah.” This will allow the greeter to feel as though you’re accepting their greeting, but will confuse them with the fake words and not cause them to throw you a follow-up question, which will undoubtedly cause your Best Buy trailing competition to reach the section you’re heading to before you. Difficulty Rating: 6

(b) Flash a big smile, but show no teeth as teeth is the sign of wanting to talk more. Difficulty Rating: 3

(c) Do one of those snapping sounds with your mouth while pointing to said greeter with the thumbs up sign and saying, “Thanks, buddy!” Believe it or not, the snapping sound will cause any person’s urge to follow up with another statement to cease. The snap sound causes the mind to reset, so to speak, and you will not have to slow down to 3 mph at all! Difficulty Rating: 5.25

(d) Say very quickly, “Heybuddythanksforwelcomingmehere andI’mdoingfineandIhopeyou’redoingfine butIreallycan’ttalk rightnowbecauseIhavetopickup acopyofMeanGirlsonDVDformyfriend andifIdon’tgetthewidescreen copyI’mgoingto belivinginthedoghouseifyouknowwhatImean!”? Then, just laugh. Laugh heartily. Learning to say this phrase as quickly as you must perform it is tough. Very tough. But you may even get your travel speed up to 5 mph and never have to make eye contact. Difficulty Rating: 10

(e) Ignore them. In the end, you might lose a friend, but it’s just as easy as ignoring homeless people or cub scouts asking you for money outside the local drugstore. Difficulty Rating: 2, Chances Your Soul Will Go To Hell: 7.5

In the end, the Best Buy Greeter Coefficient is something we all have to deal with, especially if we have an obsession with collecting the most recent crappy movies on DVD because they have a load of extra features. The Best Buy Greeter is a greeter because he/she is told to be a greeter. You are a customer because you want to be. Don’t let the coefficient slow you down. Don’t let it cause you to lose out on the golden ring. You must stay strong, follow my instructions, and practice practice practice!

You too, can prevent forest fires (where forest fires is a metaphor for the disaster that could occur if you stop to talk to a Best Buy Greeter.)

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