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  • Paul Davidson

That’s My Armrest, Not Yours

There seems to be a bit of a miscommunication going on in movie theaters countrywide.

The armrest on my left, is my armrest. It is not yours. You may put the edge of your elbow on my left armrest but you may not store candy or soda or your cell phone in the small recepticle circle at the end of my armrest for the simple reason that it is mine and it is not yours.

Why is it that people can remember which fork is the salad fork and which spoon is for coffee and which spoon is for clam chowder but when they go into the movies (a place they attend more often than fancy dinners where they must keep track of which piece of silverware is for what) they can’t remember the rules about whose armrest is whose?

There are huge rule breakers who come in with their soda and their candy and their cell phones and they spread eagle their elbows and crap on both armrests and never think twice about it. And although they see the patrons on either side of them sucking their arms into their body in an attempt to not even touch their meaty protruding elbows, they don’t even flinch.

There needs to be some kind of movie theater armrest enforcers, if you ask me.

Then, they could install a red button on each armrest (just like the flight attendant button on a plane) that each armrest “renter” (cause we technically don’t own them) could press if there was trouble happening — if there was some unlawful armrest acquirer overstepping their bounds. And there could be posted rules that state that if you put your Junior Mints in my armrest cup holder and I press the red button and you get in trouble, you have to surrender all candies stuck in the cup holder and they become mine. Maybe that would cause you to think twice before you cross the armrest boundary and take over an area that does not belong to you.

Besides, there’s nothing more distracting than having my elbow touch your hairy, rough elbow while I’m trying to enjoy a movie. That’s just, well…freaky.

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