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  • Paul Davidson

Stuffing Is The New Mortar

It hasn’t happened yet, but it will.

Contractors, faced with wanting to build a brick-structure with a substance between the bricks that will both (a) have some “give” during seismic shifts, (b) provide a stable and cohesive bond between fellow bricks, and (c) feed the homeless on cold winter nights — will soon turn to Thanksgiving Day leftover stuffing as their mortar of choice.

The FDA announced yesterday that “at the end of this year’s Thanksgiving Day holiday, Americans will dispose of over 16.5 million tons of stuffing that no one was able to stomach — and which should be reconstituted and used to help builders countrywide in their brick structures and urban mini-malls…”

The words are out there, people — stuffing is the new mortar.

In hearing about this FDA announcement and the groundbreaking thought-process of turning leftover, sticky stuffing into mortar — I have come up with an additional 5 uses for stuffing, if builders started using it as a replacement for boring, tasteless grey mortar:

1. The phrase, “brick and mortar stores”, referring to real life, standing structures (versus digital stores on the Internet) will now happily be changed to “brick and stuffing stores.”

2. Good samaritans will no longer have to volunteer time at homeless shelters serving food to hungry citizens — instead, people will need to go no further than outside their office, where they can simply scrape some stuffing goodness out from inbetween bricks!

3. Finally, the phrase “god, I’m so stuffed” after eating Thanksgiving dinner can be updated and changed to, “god, I’m so mortared!” Which, really, makes much more sense.

4. During particularly violent earthquakes, cement shrapnel that can harm and cut your skin will be replaced by sloshing and spraying pieces of wet bread that may initially stain your clothing, but that will not harm whatsoever.

5. The development of a new kitchen-tile stuffing mortar would not be far behind — giving professional cooks a “hidden platter of bread stuffing” that could be accessed easily (by using a hammer to chop tiles off, revealing said stuffing) in times of cooking famine.

Personally, I can tell you that I am very excited about the opportunity for our society to finally use something that was simply thrown away in a brand new way. For now, when I cannot finish the wet, moist piles of stuffing on my plate I will be satisfied in knowing that, yes, this year’s bread-goop will have an opportunity to be something different. Something exciting. Something useful.

Long live stuffing as the new mortar!

(Disclaimer: “Fruitcakes as the New Brick!” coming soon.)

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