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  • Paul Davidson

Revisiting Solicitors, Part 54A

I’m a fool, it’s true. But I can’t quite help screwing with people who call me on the phone.

Her: Good evening, is Paul Davidson there?

(This is the moment I decide to act like I’m retarded, for some odd reason. So I break out the long syllables and high-pitched tones and make sure it takes me longer to say absolutely every phrase that leaves my mouth.)

Me: Paaaaaaul Davidssssson.

Her: So, this is Mr. Davidson?

Me: Hi! Who are you?

Her: This is ******** from MBNA America, calling to see if you’d be interested in consolidating debt or getting a lower percentage on your mortgage?

Me: What time is it?

Her: Eight PM, sir.

Me: Nooooooooooo. It’s fiiiiiiiveeeee PM!

Her: Well, I’m in New York. You’re in California.

Me: Hi!

Her: Hello. So, Mr. Davidson – would you be interested in talking to someone about consolidating your debt or getting a lower percentage on your mortgage?

Me: Debbbbbt!

Her: Yes, Mr. Davidson. Debt.

Me: Do you have debt?

Her: I have three kids. Of course I have debt.

Me: I like asparagus.

Her: Mr. Davidson?

Me: Hi!!

Her: Do you want to talk to someone about reducing your mortgage or consolidating your debt?

Me: Who are they?

Her: They are MBNA.

Me: What do you call them?

Her: Uh… MBNA.

Me: Their nammmmmmmme.

Her: MBNA. Sir. Please. Do you want to talk to them or not?

Me: What time is it?

Her: Eight o’ five, sir.

Me: Haha. No it’s not! It’s five o’ five!

Her: Where you’re at, yes. But not in New York.

Me: Do you like dogs?

Her: Mr. Davidson, I’m going to have to hang up now.

Me: But you calllleeeed me! Why are you hanging up?

Her: Unless you want to talk to someone about reducing your mortgage rate or consolidating debt, I’m going to have to hang up on you.

Me: But you called me. Now you want to hang up on me?

Her: Yes, Mr. Davidson.

Me: Hi!!

Her: Hanging up now…

Me: Talk to your supervisor.

Her: Excuse me?

Me: I want to talk to your supervisor.

Her: Gladly.

(A 30 second wait, then-)

Supervisor: Hello?

(Now, my voice changes to normal.)

Me: Hello.

Supervisor: What seems to be the problem?

Me: Well, I get a call from someone who wants to offer me debt consolidation then suddenly is threatening to hang up on me. It’s just strange to me. Her attitude, is obviously, a bit abrasive.

Supervisor: Well, do you want to talk to someone about debt consolidation?

Me: No!

(The phone hangs up.)

Another successful, yet time consuming success!

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