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  • Paul Davidson

People Who Share Gum

I walk around Los Angeles in a huge neoprene bubble, so it’s obvious I’m not a huge fan of people who share already-chewed, soft and stringy GUM.

I always seem to have such luck when I’m walking (or rolling) down the street here in Los Angeles, finding myself behind a couple, arm in arm, walking in unison. There is such love in the air. And what better way to share such love by, oh I don’t know — removing a covered-in-saliva chewy mass from within your warm, oily mouth and giving it to your soulmate to stick in theirs.

You know?

It all starts in the teenage years as boys and girls start to become so comfortable with the sharing of the soda, the chips, the sandwiches… People are taking bites out of other people’s cakes and cookies and pies… Kids are taking “sips” out of others’ juice boxes and milk cartons. And there’s always that moment in a blossoming relationship where the food sharing question emerges and tests the duo and their potential love… Sort of like this:

He is eating a sandwich. She has finished hers.

Her: Can I taste your sandwich?

Him: You want to, uh, take a bite from my sandwich?

Her: Yeah, I love sun-dried tomatoes.

Him: Aren’t you full?

Her: What’s the problem? Don’t you like to share?

Him: Oh, alright…

But deep down, it’s not the sharing concept at all that bothers our male character we have referred to as “HIM”. In fact, it is the horror that this other person, with their own teeth brushing schedules and food caught in their gums hygiene issues…that they are going to bite into his food and give it right back for him to finish.

Maybe it’s just me, but I could never get past it.

Mind you, when you love somebody you’ll do almost anything for them. And letting them slobber all over your meal and then finish it yourself is just another way of telling your soulmate, “I would die for you and ingest your saliva all at the same time. Which means I love you.”

Some people go a little too far with this concept, by actually passing gum back and forth in an attempt to keep both’s mouths fresh and clean. All I can think about is the fact that this sticky gum is acquiring everything from one mouth, compounding it in another, and continuing the process again and again.

Why can’t people just buy enough gum so they never, ever in my lifetime or as long as I am breathing on this planet — have to pass already chewed gum back and forth. WHY!?

I’ll share my sandwich, sure. I’ll let you stick your hand in my box of Junior Mints. But I will not, under any circumstance, let you chew my gum or ever ask to chew yours.

And don’t you forget it.

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