I know that sometimes my randomness gets a little too much for some of you who happen to NOT be on prescription drugs prescribed by your psychologists. Hell, some of you don’t even have psychologists. That’s why, today, I’ve decided to spend a little time addressing a certain person who we have all come in contact with. An almost Seinfeld-idian-esque observation about a type of individual who plagues all of our lives on a daily basis. That person?
People who have to brag about eating blowfish.
Right at this moment everyone has obviously just sat up in their ergonomically-correct office chairs and bean-bag chairs (for those working from home) and most likely said to themselves (outloud): “This guy has so got the pulse of America right there in the middle of his palm. I just ran into someone like this last night and they drove me crazy!!”
Thank you for humoring me.
I was at a sushi restaurant recently and happened to sit at the front counter, where you’re always sitting next to someone you don’t know. The guy to my right reminded me of the guy Albert Brooks sits next to at the Sushi Bar in the movie Defending Your Life. A bit portly, his hair permed and combed in such a way as to use an optical illusion to hide the fact that he’s losing hair at an alarming, per-shower rate… And the kind of person who loves to talk to you even though you’re already in a conversation.
He said, “Whatchoo eatin’?”
I said, “Salmon sashimi.”
He said, “Ever eat blowfish?”
I paused. Looked at him for a split second.
He said, “Blowfish. That’s right, you heard me.”
He was like Chuck Norris in the last five minutes of a movie, standing on a pile of charred remains, all evil soldiers he had quickly done away with — proudly enunciating his success against the most unsurmountable of odds. I took a bite of my sashimi, hoping to end the conversation there.
He said, “Most dangerooouuuus fish in the world to eat. People die from it.”
He was obviously proud of his daredevil-ness.
He said, “It’s like playing Russian Roulette, but with sushi!”
I said, “Really, that’s wonderful. Congratulations.”
Yet, he could SO sense my lethargicness. I guess it stunned him momentarily. But then just like he fell off the back of a blowfish, he got right back on top of those scaly, spiky thingies.
He turned to the guy to the other side of him.
He said, “Blowfish! Most dangerooooouuuuus fish in the world to eat! I could have died!”
The patron to his other side didn’t seem interested either. “Mr. Having Eaten Blowfish And Survived” was sitting in an uninterested patron sandwich and was none too pleased.
Neither was I.
—
I half thought about going out to a sushi bar next week and sitting at the counter. Once I got there I would brag to some unsuspecting patron that I had eaten “Salmon sashimi! The most common sushi anyone has ever eaten! And I survived!”
But that would come across as just plain silly.
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