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Paul Davidson on The Oprah Winfrey Show

I was taking a nap this morning throughout all the hammering and drilling and punching holes in my ceiling and I woke up from a dream in which I was on The Oprah Winfrey Show.

The transcripts, which cannot be ordered from anywhere, are here for you, below:

Oprah: If you thought the episode, “Oprah’s Favorite Things” in which we gave our studio audience presents and items worth a total of one-point-five million dollars was amazing, today will blow your socks off.

Audience laughs, claps.

Oprah: Well, that’s what I like to see! Enthusiasm! And it’s something our hour-long guest today has no shortage of. His name? Paul Davidson. The author of an amazingly funny book called Consumer Joe: Harassing Corporate America, One Letter at a Time. In it? Get this, he writes to hundreds of well-known American companies and takes them to the mat. I mean, he’s got them in a full-nelson if you know what I mean.

Laughter.

Oprah: The book and Paul have been featured on CNN and NPR, as well as being written up all over the place lately…but there’s really more to this book than just letters and the responses. We’ll get to that, though. But first, let’s welcome him out. Everyone — Paul Davidson!

Audience applauding. Paul Davidson emerges, slaps a few hands of the audience members, kisses a baby, then approaches Oprah. They hug. She motions for him to sit next to her. He does.

Paul: Well, hey there Oprah!

Oprah: Hello, yourself! This is a wonderful book you-

Paul: Can I just say something?

Oprah: Sure, what?

Paul: I love you, Oprah. Your whole show. Especially the logo at the end of the show for Harpo, where you’re pulling a big cart filled with a mysterious item. Love that. I mean, how do people in this world function with the knowledge that you’re pulling something under a big plastic drape-cloth or something, and you’re winking at society without showing them what’s under there. I mean, what is it? A big old wheel of cheddar cheese? Hilarious. So great.

Oprah: Thanks, thank you.

Oprah holds up a copy of Consumer Joe

Oprah: So, Consumer Joe. I have to say, this book had me on the floor. Stedman was in the other room and kept saying, “What you laughing at so hard in there?” I just kept quiet, I didn’t want him taking it away from me.

Paul: Poor Stedman. He’s a kept man.

Oprah: Get out! Oprah play slaps Paul. Anyway, so a lot of people on the surface will just look at this book and think, “Oh, it’s a bathroom book. Or a fun little gift item for the holidays, which it is…

Paul: Which it is…

Oprah: But really, there’s more to it than that, and that’s what I wanted to spend the hour talking to you about… Really, it’s a scathing social commentary about buying and selling and the almighty dollar.

Paul: Totally.

Oprah: And at its heart, it really sort of pulls back the almighty curtain on corporate America. Wouldn’t you say?

Paul: I would totally say that, Oprah.

Oprah: I mean, can you elaborate on that?

Paul: When I think about it, Oprah, really think about it, I would totally stand up, enunciate with my vocal chords and totally say that it pulls back the almighty curtain on corporate America.

Oprah: Uh huh.

Oprah looks off camera. Whispers something to a Producer.

Paul: Everything ok?

Oprah: This really isn’t working.

Paul: Excuse me?

Oprah: I think I was under the impression there was more to talk about here, but…

Paul: No, please…

Oprah, again, whispers something off screen. A production assistant comes forward, takes the book from Oprah.

Oprah: I think you’re going to have to leave. We have Al Franken in the wings.

Paul: Al Franken?

Two burly cameramen move quickly to Paul, pick him up and drag him off stage.

And that’s about where I woke up.

So, it got me to thinking. Wanting to be on Oprah, probably, most-likely, isn’t a good idea. And I will embrace that thought.

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