My Wireless Head Is About To Explode

I just got my wonderful little Airport Express in the mail today. From Apple, it allows me to extend the already-awesome wireless network I have in my house, stream wireless MP3s from my wireless laptop into my stereo (which sadly, still has to be plugged in since it needs the wired electricity to run) and which allows me to wirelessly print and (I hear it’s coming soon) the upgradeable ability to go to the bathroom wirelessly without getting up off the couch. (We’ll talk later about the 600 lb. woman who sat on her couch for so long without moving that her skin actually grafted to the couch and she had to be surgically removed. True story.)

In the meantime, I wonder if I’m about ready to die from all this radiation around me?

Wherever we go now, there is data, wirelessly being beamed everywhere. When I get up and walk into the bathroom to brush my teeth, faxes pass through my chest. When I am out and about at lunch, e-mails and music files pass through my skull. As I sit here and write in the heart of my wireless lair, my body is being bombarded by music, files, faxes, print queues and much much more.

Sure, before all this wireless stuff we had radio. Yeah yeah yeah. Get off the radio thing already. That was nothing compared to this wireless crap. We are all going to die, you know we are, but nobody cares because of their Bluetooth and their wireless swappable drives and wirelessly-cooking Pepperoni Hot Pockets.

But as long as I can hear Radiohead wirelessly through my stereo, beaming miraculously through thin air — I’ll probably just overlook it and enjoy.

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In other news, tomorrow is yet another edition of “Words For Your Enjoyment!” That’s where you supply the germ of an idea, I turn it into a disease, and at 3pm a bunch of guys in Hazmat suits show up to arrest you. Good work, Citizen!