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  • Paul Davidson

My Paranoid Thoughts on Wireless Faxing

(From The Los Angeles Times, February 10, 2024)

LOS ANGELES, CA — Cardiac heart-surgeons at the Los Angeles based Cedar Sinai Hospital were stunned yesterday afternoon during a routine heart replacement surgery to find a variety of shipping and receiving documents, as well as an unsolicited “Caribbean Vacation for $200 Including Airfare” special offer actually tattooed on the subject’s left and right ventricles. “We were stunned,” sputtered Cardiac Surgeon Dr. Henry Willistead. “Most of the time you find dead tissue, clogged arteries and the sporatic penny…but when you open up someone’s chest with a saw and are able to read a variety of faxes right off the heart itself, well…it was somewhat startling…”

Cardiac Surgeon Dr. Martha Rinneman, on sabbatical from Switzerland’s Eu Duk Heart Hospital also expressed her thoughts on the very strange, one-of-a-kind scenario. “It’s often in Switzerland that patient’s organs take on a certain discoloration as a result of disease — but to find text in the Times New Roman font, and in boldface type, on a patient’s heart tissue…well you can imagine our surprise.”

Although surprising, the discovery did not completely stun those at the Johns Hopkins Medical School. Dean of the Graduate Medical School, Dr. Carl Richards P.H.D. explained that “sometimes, if people find themselves surrounded by wireless signals day in and day out — well, you’ve got to figure that sooner or later they’re gonna find a Chinese take-out menu or a Krispy Kreme coupon ending up on their liver, testicles or even their inner ear. But a heart? Crazy.”

The folks over at Motorola and AT&T Wireless had no comment.

Seriously. It’s going to happen. There are so many wireless signals passing in and out of our body, I suspect that one day they WILL find a fax tattooed on someone’s heart. It’s only a matter of time.

You can call me Nostradamus.

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