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  • Paul Davidson

My Latest Thwarting of a Phone Solicitor

Phone rings.

Me: Hello?

Them: Hello, can I speak to Mr. Davidson?

Me: (Suddenly, in an English Accent) Right, which chap are ya’ lookin’ for again?

Them: Uh, a Mr. Davidson?

Me: Aaah, Mr. Davidson. Could I possibly ask whom is calling?

Them: Omaha Steaks dot com. He ordered some steaks from us before and we’re calling with a wonderful new offer for him.

Me: May I be so brash as to question you on this whole Mad Cow thing that overran the countryside of my home country? There were cattle dropping everywhere like flies. And the bovines I know of already have their own cabal of flies hovering around them anyway so when a cow drops like a fly, what does the fly do? Does the fly drop like a fly after the sad, diseased bovine does so as well?

Them: Excuse me?

Me: I’m just wondering aloud about the cause and effect of Mad Cow disease on the cows and their support network, is all.

Them: Is this Mr. Davidson?

Me: No, shall I get him?

Them: Well, yes. Please.

(The phone shuffles, some muffled sounds as I rub my hand back and forth over the receiver to simulate the faux passing of the phone.)

Me: Hello?

Them: Mr. Davidson?

Me: Yes?

Them: This is Jackie from Omaha Steaks calling to let you know about an amazing new offer we have going right now…

Me: Frankie told you to call, didn’t he?

Them: I don’t know any Frankie, Mr. Davidson.

Me: The eagle has landed, the phoenix has risen, the burrowing beagle has beaten the… Fill in the last word.

Them: Excuse me?

Me: Just fill in the last word, please.

Them: (A frustrated breath) What was the sentence again?

Me: The eagle has landed, the phoenix has risen, the burrowing beagle has beaten the…

Them: Ummm….the boy? The beagle has beaten the boy?

Me: Well, it’s obvious to me that Frankie told you to call.

Them: I don’t know any FRANKIE.

Me: Then I can’t continue this conversation any longer for security reasons.

Them: …?

(And they hang up.)

Once again, with limited preparation and effort — another telephone solicitor’s will is broken. One at a time, people. One at a time. Before long, the telephone lines will be ours again.

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