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My Elaborate Solution to What’s Happening on ABC’s <i>Lost</i>

If you don’t want me to ruin the rest of the season of ABC’s hit show LOST for you, please turn away now. Begone! Do not lay thous eyes upon herest wordest.

For those who don’t care, please. Continue.

If you’ve watched Lost from the beginning, you are well aware of the concept. A plane of passengers crashes down on a deserted island in the middle of nowhere and its inhabitants are trapped without any real opportunity for rescue. The band of ragtag frequent fliers include a doctor, a father and his son, a brother and his step-sister (with whom he’s slept with), a rebellious criminal, an overweight fat guy, a washed-up UK rock star has-been, a hot chick with a dark past, an Asian couple who doesn’t speak English except for the wife who really does but hasn’t told her husband she can speak it, a pregnant woman (who is no longer pregnant), Tom Cruise’s cousin William Mapother, and many many insignificant others.

Since they’ve been on the island they have figured out the following things:

1. There’s a big furry white man-eating giant Antarctican bear thing trying to eat people.

2. The wild boars, which they used to kill for food, have now figured out to stay away from the humans cause they’re gonna kill them for food.

3. There’s a strange French woman hidden in the heart of the island who went crazy and killed her fellow boat passengers when they stranded themselves on the island 15 years ago.

4. There’s a hatch in the ground, that no one can seem to open.

5. The pregnant woman, who went missing, has shown back up — not pregnant.

6. A passenger, previously in a wheel-chair, can walk now.

7. There’s some invisible crazy force that runs through the forest and makes the trees fall and has periodically picked up humans and eaten them but which they have not seen.

8. A mysterious distress signal has been repeating from an energy source on the island for the last 15 years.

9. Salt water is not drinkable.

10. Usually, if something is missing, it was taken by the rebellious criminal guy — whose sole purpose on the show is to steal your things, pretend he doesn’t have them, offer them to the hot girl if she’ll kiss him, and give it up anyway in the end.

Most people who watch the show have said they believe all these passengers are in Hell. Purgatory. The big red steam-cooker, if you get my gist. People say that all the visions and strange illusions and the fact that the pregnant woman’s baby has gone missing all points to the fact that they are in purgatory.

Other people believe that they are all in some huge, mysterious test of some kind that has been engineered by a higher intelligence.

And the rest of the people think that, perhaps, everyone is already dead and these are their souls roaming around on the beach somewhere but no one can see them or rescue them because, yes, DUH, they are just souls.

Um, no.

What is really going on is this — all of these people… Every single one of these people are ON A HIT TELEVISION SHOW. This is why they will continue to EXIST ON THE ISLAND as long as the show is renewed. Let me tell you this – if the show is cancelled, you’d better believe they’re all going to get rescued pretty soon after.

But for now, while the show continues to succeed, and our characters are (in reality) just characters on a hit ABC television show, they will continue to live on that island with crazy “written things” happening to them, and all because (that’s right) they are ON A TV SHOW.

It’s so simple and complicated at the same time, that it’s got to be right.

It’s so obscure, that no one would ever guess.

The cast of Lost is not in Hell. They are actors, playing actors, who are actors on a successful TV show that has forced them to live in Hawaii and film scenes week after week that have something to do with Purgatory but which, in reality, are really scenes being written for them. When the final episode hits, after the show has lost its audience who have grown tired of wondering where “this thing” and “that thing” have disappeared to or why “this story element” has never been resolved — you will see the camera pan to a bunch of other cameras — letting you in on the fact that this whole time they have been stranded on an island has been, in fact, because they are FILMING A FICTITIOUS SHOW on an island for TV.

Really, that would be the most brilliant ending ever.

In other news, LA Magazine highlights the top L.A.-based blogs and puts LAist at the top of their list, which I write for on a daily basis.

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