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  • Paul Davidson

Movie Reviewer Construction Kit

You are a movie watcher.

You love going to the movies and you love paying exorbitant amounts of money for candy and hotdogs and soda and popcorn. You love Extra and Entertainment Tonight and Access Hollywood and ET on MTV and ET on VH1. You know everything about Ben and J. Lo and Jessica and Nick and you could care less about Jennifer and Brad.

And you sure love to give your opinion, too.

As any media-fan knows, there are so many movie critics out there who are more than happy to provide friendly words for any ol’ movie just to get their name in a TV spot or a movie trailer touting their reviews as the reason to see a movie. But recently, I came across a piece of paper floating around the halls of a huge mega-corporations copy room — I won’t say which one, because if I did this would become a huge disaster for them. And when I say disaster, just think of the New York Times…

The memo in question was for a publication that does a ton of movie reviews, and the writers themselves are actually quoted often in many publications. What I have retyped below is “as is” and I have not altered it for any reason.

Read it and then see if you will ever listen to movie review quotes again…

TO: ****** STAFF

FROM: ********* *********

DATE: 2/21/04

SUBJECT: 2004 Movie Quote Alignment Form


Please find your movie quote alignment form for the calendar year, 2004. As usual, your one or two line quotes must abide by this structure for all media submissions. As there are more than 54,000 possibilites, you shouldn’t find yourself repeating any previous quotes. Remember, some sections may need to be finessed from a grammatical standpoint if they don’t immediately connect… Please consult your dictionary for the correct spellings of “aural sounds” like kaboom and kerplush.

As usual, please check any quote with the database before submitting to a major newspaper or publication.

Column 1 Choose one from this column. The most… One of… My favorite… Ca-ching! I was stunned… Amazing… Some of the… Really, honestly… HA! HA! HA!… Dark and gritty… You’d better believe… Pardon my surprise… Color me crazy but… Single handedly… This year’s… This month’s… This season’s… This week’s… Today’s… This decade’s… This century’s… Since the dawn of time… The Universe better watch out because… Any multiple dimension would say that… God help us all because… Sis, boom, bah… Hold my pickle, but… If only I could turn back time, because… I am breathless because… I’ve lost my limbs in a car accident but… My narcolepsy is no longer thanks to… I think that… I know that… You’ll think that… You’ll wish you’d invested in **** studio because…

Column 2 Choose a connector phrase from this column. …the most amazing thing this side of… …money will mean nothing to you after spending your cheap dollars on a film that… …***** film will change your life and… …***** shines brighter than… …haunting, depressing, extremely disturbing film of… …the most endearing, happy-go-lucky, colorful film of… …thing next to the characters was the musical montage of… …This weekend there’s only one movie to plop down your hard-earned food stamps on and it’s… …at the amazing technological marvels and the jaw-dropping eye candy and… …best lost time ever and… …I wholeheartedly would have sold my child for a movie such as… …I laughed so hard my spleen exploded, oozed on the floor and made the audience… …scary and freaky and haunting and exciting and oooh boy I think I just peed my pants and… …but ***** took me by the jowels and shook me back and forth in a dance reminiscent of The Nutcracker if you know what I mean because… …bullets and guns and explosions are nothing compared to this films… …changed my religious beliefs, my political beliefs and my beliefs in… …bohemoth mega-action franchise to beat because… …best comedy with a real animal and two twins with big boobs and… …most popular film among black teens to ever grace the screen because… …kick-ass, hands-down, head-crushing, bone-cracking, car-exploding film to ever… …must-see film… …biggest influence on history and science since… …most massive blemish on the as of society since… …no other film has reached as wide an audience as this because… …God is coming to kick some major spiritual butt and he knows that… …you’d better call for your Mommy because… …the Devil is out to get you and he isn’t waiting around to take names like you think he should because… …kaboom, crash, kapowie…

Column 3 Choose a finishing phrase from this movie review quote. …the Atlantic Ocean, and it’s a good thing because it’s a movie that take place underwater!! …changes your perception of wealth, power, greed and ducks that can talk! …possibly cause you to change your sex, too! …any sun in any Universe near any planet, and that’s the truth!! …images that are, like I said, haunting and disturbing and it’s a great movie for kids!! …the decade, which is ten years, and that’s saying a lot because 10 years holds a lot of movies!! …puppies with trombones which will have you on the floor coughing up a lung! …the movie we call ******, because that’s it’s name and what else would you call it, silly! …the lack of dialogue, which causes the movie to SPEED by, which makes the 65 minute movie so easy to sit through!! …I would bet my life on that. …this one, simply because as a movie critic, I know what I’m talking about. …fall to the floor in hysterics which must mean the movie is the most hilarious flick all year!! …if that isn’t enough for you, you’d better just rent a DVD from Blockbuster!! …it had such powerful characters who, although they were really dating in real life, made me feel like I was invited to their own personal party, which was cool for a nerd like me! …end credits, which includes an amazing new song by Bryan Adams. …the movie industry’s ability to create films without talking ducks. …because…because…well, just because. …if that doesn’t get you in the theater, nothing will because that’s all there is. …when it comes down to it, it’s like a party in your pants!! …grace a screen in the Continental United States and Turkey. …because I got fed for free as I watched the movie, then got a t-shirt and tote bag on my way out!! …Yahoo Serious starred in a movie that made money!! …the invention of the Pet Rock!! …a huge battle sequence where you can’t tell the main character from the extras makes you feel confused and incoherent, but I don’t feel that when I’m at home so I’m sort of getting a neat new experience in the darkened theater! …you’re going to take it like a nice little controlled member of society!! …this movie’s gonna have you feeding out of an I.V. for the rest of your life!! …you’re a nobody and I’m a somebody!! …sis, boom, bah!

It’s a sad sad day for movie critics, don’t you think?

My personal favorite is: The most haunting, depressing, extremely disturbing film of the decade, which is ten years, and that’s saying a lot because 10 years holds a lot of movies!!

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