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  • Paul Davidson

Monday’s Tribute to My Left Eyebrow

My left eyebrow deserves the attention.

My left eyebrow has been good to me over the years. It has never strayed from its path, leaving the rest of it’s fellow eyebrow hairs behind. It has never allowed itself to get straggly and unwieldy. It has never ever permitted one particular eyebrow hair to grow longer than the others. It has never allowed one hair to become discolored or grey.

My left eyebrow is the king of the castle.

My left eyebrow is always in sync with my right eyebrow. My left eyebrow is sort of the Captain of the ship while the right eyebrow is the First Mate. My left eyebrow is like E.T. and the right eyebrow is like Elliot. So that, just like in the movie, when my left eyebrow is feeling happy or healthy, the deep emotional connection between the two of them that was fostered from the day they first met, is exuded forth from my right eyebrow. The two of them together are a powerhouse of eyebrow hair, all even and happy and beautiful.

My left eyebrow has some great expressions it likes to use. It’s most well known for it’s look of surprise when crazy things happen. It’s like a combination between a really high-rise and a curl at the edge. The kind of “I’m really surprised but really excited about the surprise” look that you expect children to have when they open up their presents on Christmas morning. And you can imagine, when my left eyebrow gives off that look, well, my right eyebrow is right there with the program.

My left eyebrow is most well-known for it’s look of mischief. It’s a half-mast raise with a minor twitch that communicates the emotion of playfullness and smouldering sex. The right eyebrow isn’t quite up to par in this area, as I suspect it’s not as confident as the left eyebrow, but it tries to do the best job possible. But often, since the right eyebrow is lagging behind the superior left eyebrow, it makes the eyebrow wearer (read: me) look like he’s uncomfortably playfull and embarrassed. And this must stop.

Part of the reason I’m giving such a generous tribute to my left eyebrow on this particular date is that I’d like my left eyebrow to step up and get the right eyebrow in line so that when I want to exude playfullness, that it comes out that way.

But no matter the criticism, my left eyebrow is tops.

And so, left eyebrow, today’s tribute is thrown your way with respect and honor. The rest of the hairs on my face are envious of you and the reason is obvious. You are a class act. Second to none. You stand strong and unmoving in the face of wind, hair-dryer and tweezer. You are brave, generous and giving.

And above all, you look damn good.

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