Lily Costner Returns
The card came in the mail about a week ago.
I hadn’t heard anything from her since May when we got slurpees together and watched the first season of Curb Your Enthusiasm together on DVD. Not to put too fine a point on it — but Lily Costner was the tops.
But over the last six months the friendship had sort of waned. I mean, I don’t expect to see my friends each and every week but you’d think they’d drop you an e-mail (can you say ‘easy’?) or call you on the phone and leave you a message every once in awhile. You-know-who sort of disappeared off the face of the Earth. But, it was nice to know that in her Holiday card to me, she was acknowledging it:
I know I’ve been horrible the last few months but you can imagine how busy I’ve been, being Kevin Costner’s daughter and all.
We must get together and watch the second season of Curb Your Enthusiasm together — you’re my Curb buddy if you know what I mean. My dad got it for me, for no reason whatsoever, except for the fact that he’s got a lot of extra spending cash and I’m his daughter, is all.
Needless to say, it was a somewhat touching note that hit me where it counted not so much because of the words, but because she put it out there. She admitted to being complacent and absent, and well, I’m a forgiving guy. I believe that if your friend is slacking and they come around months later and admit to it — well, I’m cool with jumping right back into the relationship. Either way, I immediately called her and we agreed on a day and time to get to it.
That was last night.
It was around 7pm when I heard a strange sound and I got up to look out the window. There, trying to park on my little neighborhood street was Lily in a brand-new, tricked-out black H2 (Hummer). I went to the door and opened it, looking out. Lily rolled down the window and looked at me with this desperate look.
Lily: New car! Old problem.
Me: You never could park a car, could you?
Lily: The Costnerator got it for me! Early wedding gift!
I ran over to the driver’s side of the H2.
Me: You’re getting married!? When did this happen? Man, we have been out of touch.
Lily: No, you freak! I’m not getting married. I’m not even dating anyone. But someday I will be. And this is my present for when that happens! Now get up here and help me park this crazy hunk of metal!
I jumped up, got inside and parked the damn behemoth in about 20 seconds. Lily and I were amazed for different reasons. Her, because I could park the damn thing. Me, cause it was one sweeeeeet ride.
About two hours later, and four episodes into the second season of Curb she paused the DVD and turned to me with this really concerned look on her face.
Lily: Can I ask you a question?
Me: Sure, go fer it.
Lily: When you look at me, do you see a bit of my father in me?
Me: Like, do you look like your dad – you mean?
Lily: Yeah, that.
Me: Totally. I can see a resemblance.
Lily: But is it a “Bull Durham” resemblance or a “Message In A Bottle” resemblance?
Me: Bull Durham, totally.
Lily let out this huuuuuuge sigh of relief and fell back into the couch cushions. She just sat there for a moment and thought.
Lily: Thanks for that.
Me: Thanks for what?
Lily: I’d just rather be known for looking like the Costner in “Bull Durham” than “Message In a Bottle.” “Bull Durham” is a popular well-known movie. “Message In a Bottle” isn’t.
Me: I liked “Message In A Bottle.”
Lily: Well, you’re an idiot then.
I took a couch cushion and hit Lily in the head, playfully of course. She picked up the metallic popcorn bowl and hurled it at me. (Yeah, seriously — what was she thinking!?) I ducked, and it hit the A/V Tuner on the side of the couch and sent it crashing to the floor.
About ten minutes later, I was standing out near Lily’s H2.
Lily: Sorry about the tuner. Like I said, Kevin Costner will pay for the damages — you know, cause he is my father.
Me: It’s cool, Lil. It’s fine.
Lily: I just feel so bad, you know? Here I am, M.I.A. for six months and then I come to your place and break your home theater. Which reminds me, did I tell you that my dad, Kevin Costner, just build a huge home theater in back of our house?
Me: No, Lily. You didn’t.
Lily: Yeah, it rocks.
Then, a long pause.
Lily: So, can you help me pull this car out onto the street?
Me: Yeah, Lily. Sure.
And with that, Miss Golden Globes 2004 found her way back onto the street in her gleaming black H2, leaving me with a broken tuner, a broken spirit, and yes — a broken heart.
I probably won’t hear from her again until June.