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  • Paul Davidson

Kirsten Dunst Needs A Good Orthodontist

Saw Spiderman 2 last night.

I will give you no spoilers. I will not ruin the plot. I will not describe sequences involving actors and will not tell you about the cameos. I will not spoil the jokes and I will not tell you about the CGI action sequences. And I will definitely not tell you about the end.

But I will tell you this: Kirsten Dunst needs a damn good orthodontist.

Dr. Crabtree (real name) was my orthodontist while I was growing up in the San Francisco area. He was a genial man with a talent for making petty conversation with you while he tightened the metal braces around your teeth, took cement impressions of your teeth, jammed plastic spacers between your teeth to ready them for braces and as all of it was going on — he came off as the most genuine man around.

Kirsten Dunst would, I’m sure, really like him.

I sort of think Dunst has fallen ill to the “Jewel/Steve Buscemi Factor” which is that if you (a) become famous when your teeth are all messed up, and (b) become a sexy star that people lust after while your teeth look like you belong in an Austin Powers movie, then (c) your “people” will tell you that you’d better leave the gnarly (i mean, “unique”) tooth issues alone.

Someone told that to Kirsten, I’m sure of it.

That’s the problem with getting into acting while you’re still young and your teeth have the opportunity to move and adjust and look stupid and grow in at weird angles — when you start to get a following for doing what you do, you can’t ever go back because people will turn to you and say that you’ve SO sold out for fixing your teeth! “She SO sold out to the man for actually fixing that huge gap of missing front teeth!! I hate her I hate her I hate her…”

Kirsten Dunst needs to do something about her top front angly-weird teeth. Not the two center ones and not the two on either sides of those — the two on either sides of THOSE. Every time she opens her mouth I’m afraid she’s going to puncture Tobey’s lips or try to bite something. It gives me the heebs.

So. In review:

No news on Spiderman 2.

Bad teeth are bad news.

People who becomes famous with bad teeth are forced to live with bad teeth.

I have a great orthodontist for Kirsten Dunst.

I can only hope that Kirsten Dunst is randomly checking her name on Google these days (since her movie is coming out and since she has weird angly teeth she’s probably insecure and wondering if people are saying good or bad things about how she looks) and she finds my suggestion to use one Dr. Crabtree in the East Bay of the San Francisco area.

If not, I can tell you one plot point about Spiderman 3 that won’t ruin the movie for you… It’s the one that involves a leading lady with, yet again, teeth that are freakier than the villain.

In other news, one of those “things” that was possibly, maybe going to happen is happening. When official words about this exciting development have been printed, you will all be the first to know. A few weeks. Maybe less. Patience is a virtue.

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