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  • Paul Davidson

IKEA vs. Pauly D

I have beaten FLARKE to a pulp.

I have mastered all that is ENETRI.

I have smacked-down JARNA in true WWF fashion.

And I have triumphed exponentially over FAGERUM.

But for the life of me, I can’t quite figure out why anyone would eat food at IKEA.

First and foremost…IKEA is a furniture store. And not a high-end furniture store, but a furniture store that makes you look at their non-English, diagram-prominent instruction papers and challenge you to put together your brand new bed with a metal rod that resembles no real tool whatsoever and boards of pressed plywood slathered and printed with faux-wood grain patterns.

(Quick story: I moved into my place and the old owner had left an IKEA desk on the second floor. I moved it to the stairs to bring it downstairs and slipped. The desk slid down the stairs and when it reached the bottom had de-assembled itself back into the 30+ pieces that it originated from. I.e., IKEA furniture is not too sturdy.)

Secondly, IKEA goes so far to mask this “crappy furniture as elegant furniture” ruse by assigning them hard-to-pronounce/foreign names that twist the tongue and boggle the mind. If I have to say to someone one more time that I have “…decided that Kronvic would make my life so much more organized thanks to the Yulvacian-styled glass doors and the Ignok brushed metal cabinet…” then I will drown myself in the mysteriously and oddly placed huge-oversized room of plastic multi-colored balls that greets me everytime I enter and exit the IKEA establishment.

Thirdly, and most importantly… The fact that drives me insane and causes my mind to twist out of confusion is why, oh God why, does IKEA sell food? And why do I feel that it is extremely eerie that the foods they actually do sell in their “Exit Bistro” are called by names such as hotdog and softdrink and frozen yogurt. There are things named shrimp sandwich, raspberry candy and princess cake. Strange food items with basic names.

There’s a real disconnect there with the Corporate IKEA naming-scheme that pairs normal everyday items with hard-to-pronounce names.

If you’re going to name all your damn furniture by incoherent Swedish words, then why go the opposite when naming the food items you’re serving? I’d rather eat a DVORAK than a HOTDOG. I’d rather eat GURZEN FRUTRO than FROZEN YOGURT. And I’d damn well rather eat REBSAR YACDA than RASPBERRY CANDY. As for Princess Cake, you have to admit that’s just damn random anyway, so I figure that this individual naming instance slipped through the powers-that-be and actually made it into the stores.

Here’s some more food items I think the IKEA restaurant should carry:

GURBMAHGER GURBMAHGER with SHEECE RECSAR ALSDA NEBA TURROBI

Do you like those foods? I know I do, now that they’ve taken on the IKEA-themed stupid-naming technology. Maybe they could even wrap the food items in papers that include printed instructions in another language that denote just how to eat the items?

It might just distract me long enough to forget about those everyday, un-SLOVIC names.

Random Food Wrapping Instruction Tidbit #44A: If you ever remember back to the heydey of Taco Bell’s Soft-Tacos you might even remember the instructions printed on the outer paper wrapping. They read, simply:

Step 1: Peel back paper. Step 2: Take bite. Step 3: Peel back additional paper. Step 4: Take bite. Step 5: Repeat until finished.

Take that for what it was.

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