If you’re reading this and it’s because I’m applying for a job at your company and you found my blog by searching “Paul Davidson” in the little Google searchbox, well… Good work. You’ve found me.
Now that we’ve already had an in-person interview and you’re doing your due diligence searching for any red flags in regards to me and my private lifestyle choices, I have decided that I might as well tell you all the things you want to know in regards to how I work with others. I hope the following tidbits of information will both make you look good with your boss and will also help provide you with great ammunition if I ever get hired and we’re both up for the same job someday and you can whip out that file with all this great information and give yourself an edge. Really, I do hope that.
1. I do not work well with competitive and driven people. Be warned. If you put me in an office where a lot of the people come in before they’re supposed to and stay well after they’re supposed to and they make really annoyingly organized binders with colored tabs and laser printed labels and they’re constantly looking for extra experience by volunteering for stupid after work activities like talking to old people in a local rest home or finding homes for stray hamsters, then you will not be happy with my performance. I will reguarly think negative things about these people and draw pictures of them that don’t resemble them in case someone ever finds them and wants to get me in trouble, but which will illustrate what it would look like if their badly-animated self were hit on the head with a steel girder… I will also do my best to appear to be working harder than them by constantly rushing around in circles, dabbing sweat off my water-bottled assisted sweaty brow and often breathe in frustration and slam the top of my computer screen when “someone else’s calculations…[yours, the driven employee]…just don’t add up.”
2. I like to goof off. If there’s someone holding up their fingers in the shape of a virtual field goal, I will be quick to fashion a paper-made origami-folded football. And then, I will do my best to win the game of paper football with enough of a point spread that the gambling (which I have also started in the breakroom) will favor certain winners who will, upon winning, be in a position to also give me a raise. Some may call it bribing, others may call it “creative gambling incentives.” I will also create a slew of annoyingly silly games like:
Eyes Closed: One will close their eyes while another will suspend something like a stapler in front of their eyes and tell them to “blink”! During that blink, they must try to determine what exactly was held in front of their face. After three successful rounds at five points each, the will do the same for the other player. First person to 33 wins.
Water Bottle Shoulder: How long can you balance that water bottle on your shoulder without it falling? Can you keep it balanced with me faking like I’m going to tickle you or push you? Can you balance longer than I can balance?
Sneeze Words: Speed Round: I will sneeze words. Quickly. You will try and figure out what I’m saying. Repeat until hilarity ensues.
3. I Will Periodically Sleep In My Car and In Other Dark, Shaded Places. I am tired often. I may sneak to the bathroom when in reality I will be sneaking to my car where I will nap for 20 minutes. When I return I will pat my stomach as if I’ve had some kind of bathroom/stomach issues. I will also attempt to find places in the office where no one ever visits — like the electrical closet. I will sometimes sleep in there for an hour because no one will ever find me there.
4. I Will Hate You, In My Off Hours. I will like you to your face, but I will hate you when I’m not near you. I will spend weekends talking shit about you endlessly. I will make fun of your facial features and I will talk about how sad of a life you must have when you’re not at work. I may even install a dart board in my house with your picture on it. I will create fake backstories about you and the incidents that befell you, whether or not that story about you and the water buffalo ever did happen.
5. I Will Create An Elaborate Fake Resume That You Will Never Be Able To Check. My experience will be amazing on paper. My references will be top notch men and women of the world. Even Stephen Hawking will be on there. But when you try to call them for a reference, know that the numbers will always be busy. They are famous people. What do you expect? And those institutions and colleges I attended? No one ever answers the registrar’s main number. It will remind you of the times you pulled one over on Circuit City by telling them The Good Guys were offering the same TV for 200 bucks less and knowing that The Good Guys would never answer their phone, Circuit City had to give you the price match even though The Good Guys never offered it for that price. Well, it would be like that. Just without any televisions changing hands.
6. I Will Work Fast, But Deliver Slow. In an attempt to never be held to a superior work level, I will consistently finish my work immediately after receiving the job, but will never turn it into you until the last minute. That way, there will be no heighted-expectations. You will always know that when you give me a job, it will be done SECONDS before it is needed. At least I’ll always deliver just on time, so that’s a good thing to know.
7. I Will Hover Around The Water Cooler. I will drink water extremely slow as to waste time and pass the day more quickly. When I arrive at the water cooler I will fill up my empty water bottle halfway and stand there as if to “taste” the water to make sure it’s still good. As I drink that water, I will talk to whoever will talk to me. I will then fill up the water bottle a quarter of the way, use that water to wash out the water bottle to get rid of germs, then refill the water bottle to the top. This will take me a good 15 minutes unless I finish the water and have to replace the bottle, which will take me at least 30 minutes due to the fact that I will be unable to remove the plastic cap, then be afraid that although no one ever really spills water while changing bottles, that I will do it this time and this time only.
These are, as I explained above, just some of the things I would never tell you about myself that you should know in preparation of hiring me for the position I must have interviewed for recently, as you have searched for my name on Google in an attempt to find the skeletons in my closet.
Know that there are numerous other issues and habits I have (from biting my nails and flicking them at co-workers to scratching my throat loudly in the workforce bullpen) that you may never know about until I start on Day One. You may also want to scan my archives and search for bad words and off-color jokes to help your case. But, either way, when your work here is done, at least you’ll know some of the issues so you can pre-arrange those “special sit downs” with HR in the event that you still want to hire me but beat me down like a broken man from the outset. Thank you for your time and our recent interview.
Really, I want this job so badly that I can taste it. (You know, whichever job this is.)