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If I Were Dead (Or, The Miller Family Loves Gyros)

First and foremost — if I were dead, well, this blog entry would be worth a whole hell of a lot of money.

People would be clamoring to getting the “original” first edition printing of this blog entry which they would promptly put up on eBay in the hopes that the world would rush to throw their money at the last blog entry of Pauly D. The wire services would be quick to link to the last blog entry of Pauly D if he was dead. People from all over the country (like in Field of Dreams) would drive for miles just to reach the computer that was used to type the last blog entry, which would no longer be there because it had already been snatched up and sold on eBay.

For the Miller family, that would be the family trip from Hell.

Think about it. The Miller family doesn’t live too extravagantly. They save their money and they buy used clothing for their kids from second-hand stores. Once a year they have enough money to do a trip in the Volvo station wagon. They’ve got the TV screens and DVD player (which they also saved up for) so the kids can watch Nemo on the long trip, wherever it may be. They travel for days and nights sitting in that damn car, just to get to their destination which, this time — was to see the last blog entry I had written, if I was dead.

When they got there, realizing that they had not fully figured in the eBay factor, they would be left staring at a computer screen with nothing on it.

At that point, I’m not quite sure what the Miller family would do. I’m sure there would be some kind of funeral for me with tons of family members who wouldn’t quite know the Millers. But since the Millers were already there and the funeral was going on, Mr. Miller would tell the rest of the Miller clan that they might as well stick around just in case someone was going to read the last blog entry by the now dead you-know-who. The kids, of course, wouldn’t understand what was going on and probably giggle through the speeches and stuff, but be pretty stoked to eat all those gyros and little chicken wrap sandwiches that the Koo Koo Roo does such a good job at putting together.

My parents of course, not knowing the Millers, would wonder who these strange people eating all the gyros were and at some point they would probably call the funeral security folks who would escort the Miller family out of the funeral home because they’re obviously loafers just trying to snag free stuff. And of course, the local police would identify the Millers as “The Smith Family” — a group of people they’d been trying to catch for years who would go around to funerals and eat all the food and con people out of their money while pretending to be long lost relatives of the recently deceased.

The Millers, of course, not being The Smiths, but being thought to be the Smiths by the local authorities after being thrown out of my funeral by my parents after eating all the gyros would be thrown into the local jail while the children were put into the custody of social services and it would make for quite an interesting night at the jail where Mr. Miller and Mrs. Miller would be separated into different cells, and all because they had to make their family trip this year a trip to see the final blog entry by the now deceased Pauly D.

I’m sure that if I were dead there would be a bunch of other dead-like activities going on around my town for me. Brunches and video-game parties and things like that. But from up above, looking down, the most sucky part of being dead would be that a family I had never known, who drove cross country to actually take their kids to see the now-missing/sold on eBay last blog entry I had written, was now worrying about bending over in the local jail shower more than the majesty that was to be my final words.

It’s good to put these things in perspective sometimes. Really, it is.

WFYE tomorrow. STOP. Submit ideas. STOP. Or not. STOP.

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