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If I Were A Weatherman

Oh, sorry. Excuse me. METEROLOGIST.

If I were a weatherman I think I would be the most sarcastic weatherman on Earth. And I would be proud about being such a sarcastic weatherman. In fact, there would be days where my fellow anchormen (oh, sorry – anchorpeople) Brittany Chu and Johnny Alvarez would point to me off camera and say something like:

Brittany Chu: As for how the weather is shaping up for this weekend, we’re going to have to turn our eyes, AWAY, from our in-house meteorologist, Paul Davidson. I’m just kidding…

Johnny Alvarez: Ho ho ho, Brit. He sure is one sarcastic motherfucker.

Brittany Chu: Oh my, Johnny. You said-

Johnny Alvarez: I’m Mexican. It’s OK.

Brittany Chu: Oh, okay.

Then I would come on and play around with the invisible green-screen weather map for awhile. You know, I’d point to mid air and say, “Looks like there’s no weather at all today. In fact, the map of our area is gone! Maybe a tornado has already wiped out civilized society and-“… And then the map would suddenly appear and I’d take a huge deep breath and say, “Thank the Lord we’re all still here and…”

Johnny Alvarez: Ho, ho, ho. You’re hilarious, Paul.

And I would say thank you but under my breath I would mutter something about Johnny’s outfit even though it was carefully chosen by the Network bigwigs so that Mr. Johnny Alvarez would compliment his co-anchorperson’s personality. But everyone at home would be calling out to their family members who were off playing videogames or in the kitchen cleaning up dinner and say, “You’ve really got to check out this weatherguy Paul Davidson, he’s like the most sarcastic dude I’ve ever seen doing the weather and deep down I’ve just realized that all my life I’ve longed for a sarcastic weatherman but not the kind who wears silly outfits or hats or anything like that but is just characteristically a sarcastic guy who can poke fun at himself and those smug anchorfolks…”

Society’s wish would be my command.

I’d always provide my weather-followers with real honest truth. Like, we all know that the weather isn’t a science like they pretend it’s supposed to be. I mean, really – are these weatherfolks spending all day long in front of the computers and the digital weather report services tallying and setting up Excel spreadsheets to determine just what the next five days are going to look like? Uh, no. They show up a half hour before, after having done a day of paid-personal appearances where they look into the sky and grin because they were right about today’s weather, then walk into the studio and read off a teleprompter.

Me: “Tomorrow is going to be sunny, with high’s in the 70’s and if I’m wrong it really isn’t my fault so don’t send me e-mails telling me I ruined your dress because it rained instead of being sunny. In fact, you should call Weather Services at their D.C. headquarters. They provide me with a detailed weather report every afternoon that they get from satellites that hover above this great Earth. So, if I’m wrong, there’s a bigger fish to fry than me.”

I’d probably also tell my audience that instead of listening to me, pointing to an invisible map, provided to me by a service halfway across the world, that uses programs created by “On-Parole Hackers”, which sucks weather data from satellites owned by North Korea… that they may just want to wake up 5 minutes early each day, look out the window, and use their own brain to decide what to wear.

These are just ideas, mind you. Simple thoughts. Sarcastic or not.

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