Denniz Franz, known for his career-making role on NYPD Blue is also known for being one of the first male actors on primetime network television to show his naked ass.
And that, my friends, makes it extremely hard to share a room with the guy.
It’s like he was born with one of those “flashing genes” — the kinds that all the drunk women in New Orleans or Las Vegas or Lake Havasu have. The gene that causes them to flash you their breasts at the most inopportune times. It is the same gene that causes Dennis Franz to drop his drawers when his back is to you, so that he can flash his own hairy naked butt.
If I shared a room with Dennis Franz I have a feeling that this butt-revealing would never end. I would be eating Top Ramen and BAM! There goes his drawers. I could be shaving… BAM! I could be talking to him, face to face, about the current political climate in the United States and BAM! It’s like Dennis Franz just doesn’t care when or where he drops his drawers as long as you, the person who he is standing with his back to, gets to see his naked white backside.
BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!
It would be hard to invite people over to watch television, I’m sure, because Mr. Franz loves for people to see his butt. And the inherent excitement he’d already received during the episodes in which he bared his butt now is most likely a drug for the guy. It gives him this kind of buzz to know that you are staring at his naked butt and he’s known for that kind of thing.
It’s sort of like that band that has that one hit song and that’s the only hit song they’re known for. Anytime you run into them, they sing the chorus of that song. Well, Franz, although known for his acting, is more often referenced for his butt-baring moments in one of the longest-running TV Cop dramas on TV.
I could be reading a magazine, like I normally do — and after having spent a good few weeks dealing with Franzie and his strange obsession with showing you his butt, I would probably end up reading magazines with them pressed right up to my face because knowing Dennis Franz, he would be the kind of guy to ask you to look up because he has something to show you and then you would pull that magazine away from your face and what do you think you’d see?
I’ve rolled this concept around in my head most of the night, debating if there would be a way for me to, you know, deal with sharing a room with Dennis Franz. But behind closed doors, without TV cameras anywhere, you just gotta believe that the guy’s butt is going to get lonley and want to have another coming out party. And you know, for me, that’s not the kind of roommate I want to have.
Steal my cereal. Forget to take down phone messages. But BAM!?
Me: Yo, Dennis. Dennis Franz: What up, Pauly? Me: Think you could pull up those pants of yours, or go stand somewhere else? Dennis Franz: What, you got a problem with me? Me: No, not with you. With the fact that you’re just standing there with your pants down around your legs. Dennis Franz: The majority of America’s TV audience didn’t have a problem with THAT when it aired on national TV. Me: Well, this isn’t national TV. Dennis Franz: (Sadly) You’re right. It isn’t.
Boo Hoo, Franz. Boooooo f’ing hoo.
In other news, tomorrow brings us a Friday, a 5th, and “Words For Your Enjoyment.” Do your thing if you dare.