If I’m Holding A Puppy, I’m Obviously A Nice Guy
Isn’t it interesting what calms people and causes them to trust others?
For all you know I could be one of those horrible serial killers who lure people into my car and shove a cloth in your face to knock you out (like Jeff Briges in The Vanishing). I could be one of thsoe guys who is making a huge body suit out of other people’s skin (like Silence of the Lambs). I could be sticking you in a huge home-made plastic box slowly filling up with water (like The Cell) on the edge of town.
But as long as I’m holding my little puppy in my arms, you’re not going to be too worried about me. Cause I’m holding a puppy and I’m obviously a really nice guy.
I was out and about yesterday (yeah, it must be a rare occasion) and made many stops with my little dog Jack in tow. I was at the Coffee Bean, I was at the Quiznos shop and I did a quick jaunt over to the U.S. Postal Service. In each location, I was approached by smiling (mostly women) who had tons of questions to ask.
How old is he? What’s his name? Did he just go for a big walk, cause he’s breathing heavy? Is he smart? Does he want a treat? Has he ever been on TV? Will you possibly be planning on kidnapping me this afternoon while I gaze, open mouthed, at your cute little puppy?
He. Is. So. Cute.
Yes, yes, yes. Now, would you like to accompany me and my adorable dog into my car where I will be happy to provide you with a cloth soaked in chloroform and we can get down to business?
In a world of fears where people are told to watch out for terrorists with weapons and airplane passengers weilding firey shoes and eyebrow tweezers that could end the lives of those around them and people in dark-windowed vans waiting for you to walk casually past their passenger side door, it’s funny to me that a guy with a puppy could probably get into the oval office without having to undergo some kind of body cavity search.
And it’s not only puppy-carrying people who are immediately taken off the suspicion list of terror. I have made a list of the other kinds of “un-threatning” people you may come in contact with in this world that, possibly aren’t as innocent as you think:
People wearing Hello Kitty shirts Old ladies, knitting Ice-cream men Young girls playing jump rope People wearing “Osh Kosh B’Gosh” overalls Men in retro golf outfits Martha Stewart
I’m telling you, in a world filled with “potential terror” (as preached by all our mainstream television news media) you’ve got to be careful, keep your eyes open, and avoid guys holding cute little puppies as often as you can.
Otherwise, the Puppy-Factor could prove to be fatal.