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I Will Not Eat Out of The Garbage (Most of The Time)

I will not eat out of the garbage.

When I say that I will not eat out of the garbage I am referring to sticking my hand into the pail below the sink and foraging and picking through piles of wet and smelly garbage pieces in order to find some kind of diamond in the rough. I will not pick out pieces of eaten sandwiches that are no longer in their original sandwich form. I will not eat half-chewed bananas. I will not re-use wet coffee grounds and will definitely not eat scraps that have been scraped from plates.

I will, however, fish out other kinds of garbage and happily eat them.

There was a moment after Halloween this past year where I took bags and bags of candy that had never been “trick-or-treated” to the neighborhood kids (who were strangely absent this year) and threw them out in an attempt to not eat all of the candy myself. I was home the next day, feeling the sugar desire slowly mounting in my system. I walked into the kitchen and looked through the fridge.

There was nothing except for cold cuts, orange juice and fruit.

So I went into the garbage and pulled out the “still wrapped” Halloween candy and proceeded to eat a huge handful until I was satisfied.

That, I don’t consider gross or wrong.

About three days later, the garbage that had been under the sink was then transferred to the garbage bags outside the back door of my home. These bags were tightly sealed and placed outside, sure. But just because they were outside didn’t mean that the “still wrapped” Halloween candy was off-limits or contaminated. I went back for seconds and thirds until the garbage was actually taken away in a huge moving trash vehicle.

I would gladly go into the garbage and eat things like Oreos. Even though the package itself may be open, the rows of Oreos flush to the opening would protect those Oreos deep into the package. Picking out the bottom four Oreos from a full open package, I think, isn’t wrong at all. Those Oreos had been safe from disease. They hung out with diseased Oreos, but never caught the virus themselves.

I will not eat out of the garbage if the garbage I’m about to eat has touched other wet garbage, or the garbage I’m considering eating has acquired texture or scents from other pieces of garbage it has touched.

But let’s say I throw out a jar of olives. The olive jar is closed. I leave a few in there just because I don’t think I’m going to eat them and then the next day I decide I want a martini. Those olives have been safe in their jar, floating in their olive juice and have generally been well-protected over night.

I’m having a martini, baby. With olives.

In conclusion, I will affirm my desire to not eat wet food-esque garbage from my garbage beneath my sink. But if I’m hungry, and the garbage I’ve got my eye on has been protected and well-wrapped… Well, I’m digging in.

And you can’t stop me.

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