I Will Continue To Get My Ass Kicked By 12 Year Old Kids

I remember when I used to kick my father’s butt in video game football.

Those were the innocent times. When my eye/hand coordination was at its peak. When I didn’t have to read the instructions or study the intro-screen to figure out what the left-trigger did or which button I had to press to shoot my secondary weapon. I didn’t have to ask how so-and-so got the rocket launcher — I just knew it was up on that ledge and I knew you had to do a double-jump to get there. I talked the talk and I walked the walk and I was confidant in telling my opponents that they should get the ice because their butt was about to be kicked into the stratosphere.

(Yes, I said “stratosphere” as a kid — I was in the gifted program if you must know.)

But today — as I sit in front of my Xbox with my awesome Halo 2 Plantronics headset on my head, with my groundbreaking Halo 2 disc spinning in the machine, with my cable modem speeding the data back and forth and my cool video game character standing in a virtual world — I can’t help but be afraid that the 12 year olds are coming to get me.

Often, I’ll just hide in a dark corner hoping to get that cheap shot off on the kids. I’ll find a rocket launcher or “the Needler” and I’ll wait. Eventually they’ll come around the corner and I can hopefully nail them good. But out in the open, well, they are faster and they can jump higher and they will continue to kick my ass over and over and over again.

Sometimes I switch over to video game Solitaire for a change of pace.

But the punishment that I seek can only be found on Halo 2 where I am teased, cajoled, battered and made fun of with each kill my 12 year old buddies make. They taunt me, they push me and they get me from dark shadows which causes me to jump out of my seat.

Really, they scare me.

But if there are more of you out there, know this — “Pauly D” is my screen name on Xbox Live. And I am ready for all of you. So come and get me.

I will be ready for you next time.