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  • Paul Davidson

I Spit On You, Westminster Dog Show (#4)

Competition brings out the WORST in people. But if “worstest” was a word in Webster’s Dictionary, competition would bring that out in dogs.

It’s a common misconception that the world famous Westminster Dog Show held every year is a prim and proper event. Full of prestige. An honor to even be included. Divine festivities touched by the hand of the Pope himself. Not the current one but the one that had a dog. I think it was Pope III. No matter. If you believe any of the preceding paragraph, I have a small Ziploc baggy full of doggy poo to sell to you as well.

Yes, it’s all a ruse. And I know the secret. Come close. Closer. Closer still. (whispering) Westminster is a literal dog-eat-dog competition.

It’s true. 98% of the dogs that are entered in the show are cannibalistic quadrupeds.

Do you feel exactly like Alice when she fell down the hole? Well, I did too. Until yesterday that is. It began with a phone call to Westminster Kennel Club headquarters in New York City.

Me: Yes, hello. My name is Paul Davidson and I was calling to find out any information about entering my dog Jack into this year’s Westminster event.

Westminster Representative: Yes sir. But first, how small is your dog?

Me: I don’t know. Regular size, I guess.

Westminster: Does he have a lot of meat on him?

Me: A normal amount of meat. Why? Is that a prerequisite?

Westminster: Would you call your dog overweight?

Me: Ummmm…no. Is it too late to enter him?

Westminster: I’m sorry, Mr Davidson, but the cutoff for entries was yesterday.

Me: What? Why did you ask me all those questions then?

Westminster: (A pause) I’m a dog lover, sir. That’s what I do. Thank you for your interest.

Me: But the website…

Suddenly, I was talking to a dial tone.

I know what you’re thinking. So what? But the evidence is all there. Not only is it frightening in a freaky campside story kind of way. But it’s true and it’s going on right under our human noses.

So, next February, when you’re watching the Westminster Dog Show on USA or TBS or UPN or whatever, please remember this story. The true story. And remember the real reason the number of dogs in the event go from a bunch to the fortunate winner. It’s not only the most talented dog that wins it all.

It may just be the hungriest.

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