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  • Paul Davidson

I Scoff at Ketchup and Mustard on Hotdogs

Do you hear me scoffing? Because I am.

America’s most American food, along with the MLB’s most popular food item, along with the most popular non-recognizable meat item (that once was meat) with oozing cheese in the middle of it…is damn good with mustard on it. It’s also damn good with ketchup on it. But both?

I scoff at ye peoples who mix both atop your bun and dog. I laugh outloud as red and yellow condiments curl up together in their own version of an overnight “rendezvous.” I curl up my nose and sniff wildly when I see both squirtable hurtables on your hot dog. I am disgusted by what you do with your hot dog. I can only hope that if I bide my time and the rest of the country re-elects George W. Bush, that his administration (after they get rid of our right to free speech) will forever incarcerate those who mix their reds and yellows together.

And so I cry out on this Monday evening in the year 2004 in the month of April in the week that I will be leaving Los Angeles for less-green, less-lush pastures that all food mixers of any kind should be tagged and implanted with devices that will forever track their whereabouts. Then and only then will we be able to see that they’ve visited the cold-cut aisle in the local supermarket and picked up hot dogs. Only then will we be able to watch the flashing red dot (on our tracking system’s radar screen) and see them visiting Aisle 12 where bottles of ketchup live. And only then will the warning lights go off as we see them trek to the aisle that contains Dijon and Yellow-Original. Only then will your trends and habits become clear to us all.

And only then I will scoff at your ketchup and mustard mixing.

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