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  • Paul Davidson

I’ll Have Extra Tuna, Please

I will utter the phrase to you in English and/or Spanish. Whatever it takes for ultimate satisfaction.

I know there are rules and regulations. I know there are small tiny scales and measurement indicators on the sandwich cutting board. I know that there are managers and supervisors constantly watching the way in which you do your job.

But for god’s sake, the least you can do is give me a little bit more of the crack cocaine goodness that is, an extra scoop of tuna.

Yes, it’s true. I have learned Spanish and how to say such words as “Tuna” and “Please” and “You’re Awesome” just in the hopes that by my uttering of the phrase in your native language that you will warm to this stranger standing before you, separated by some food germ-protective splash guard. That you will hear my successful rolling of my R’s while talking to you on your turf, in your language and with my heart on my sleeve and think to yourself, “This guy went out and learned how to ask me for extra tuna in my own language and if there was any point in time that I’d risk my job, my future and my family’s ability to eat three square meals a day, that this is the one thing that would cause me to be so reckless…”

I will even smile big to try and make your day.

I know that in your attempt to do something nice for the man who learned how to ask for extra tuna in your language, you may try to hide the good deed you’ve done in return. You may pile huge handfuls of shredded lettuce and onions and tomatos on the top of this secret extra pile of tuna just so the cameras perched behind and above you will not get a glimpse of the illegal tuna salad activity currently going down. I know that lettuce and onions are condiments that are a dime a dozen and am sure that at some point, during some training weekend nowhere near a water source and lakehouse, you were told to “pile on the condiments to give the sandwich an appearance of being big”. And even though I know that lettuce is nothing but water, I am still fine with the way you do your job.

Because if it means getting extra tuna, I can pretty much deal with anything.

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