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I Have More Talent In My Little Finger Than Zach Galligan

Did I mention I have more talent in my little finger than Zach Galligan?

Some people, upon hearing Zach’s name, might say to themselves, “Well, I don’t know that I’m totally 100 percent sure that Paul has more talent in his little finger than the star of ‘Gremlins’, Zach Galligan… I mean, Zach Galligan out ran a whole pool of evil Gremlins and then beat the hell of out the leader of the evil Gremlins, Spike, and still got the girl [Phoebe Cates] who later married Kevin Kline, but even though in real life he lost out on the girl, in the world of ‘Gremlins’ he really did shine…”

But when I hold up my little finger (the pinky one) and show it to you, upon further investigation, you will turn to me with your eyes wide and in a sing-songy way you will say, “Indeed, Mr. Davidson… I have to admit that now that I’m looking at your little pinky finger, I can confidently say that you do have more talent in that there little itsy-bitsy finger than one Mr. Zach Gallagan, even though in the movie ‘Gremlins’ he saved the girl and Gizmo, that cute little Gremlin-thingie…”

My skills far exceed that of Zach Galligan. First and foremost, I am very good with details. If you tell me that I shouldn’t be shining any bright lights in a certain fuzzy pet’s face, that I can’t feed said certain pet after midnight and that I definitely shouldn’t spill any water on them… I will not do it.

Zach Galligan? The guy ends up shining light in Gizmo’s face, spills water on the poor guy (causing the whole town to be overrun with evil Gremlins) and even feeds him after midnight. Would you ever trust this guy to be a night watchman at your storefront?

Paul 1, Zach 0.

Don’t even get me started on Zach’s ability to protect his mother. First Zach messes up all the damn rules with his new pet, then allows evil devil-ish Gremlins to attack his mother in the kitchen. Fortunately for her, she’s a whiz with the knife and the microwave. Unfortunately for Zach, he loses another point for putting his birth mother in danger.

Paul 2, Zach 0.

In the area of general troubleshooting and career survival, Zach Galligan took his huge buzz from one movie about evil creatures taking over a town and parlayed it into a movie about evil wax statues that come to life and try to take over a town. Diversity, Zach! Diversity! Pauly D on the other hand, even if he was offered more money to do an exact sequel to his first book, would SO deny it. Mix it up people. Pauly D’s little finger wants to mix it up. Zach’s? Pfffbbbt!

Paul 3, Zach 0.

In summary, I have more talent in my little finger than Zach Galligan has in his entire body. And I welcome him to a duel if he feels otherwise.

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