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  • Paul Davidson

I Could Rig a Mountain for You

I have never watched any mountain climbing programs on The Discovery Channel.

Yet, I am extremely confident that if you wanted to climb a mountain like K2 or The Andes Mountains or the Rocky Mountains or a huge volcano in Hawaii or Washington state, I could totally rig that mountain for you so you would be able to safely reach the top without falling to your death.

I have seen the Stallone movie Cliffhanger and I believe that I have gleaned enough pertinent information to be able to hook those belt thingies around your waist, clip those metal rod thingies through threaded string like ropes and look you straight in the eyes and tell you, “You’re good to go! Climb to the top of the world!”

I would give you some of those metal spikey things that you would have in a side-pack that I would purchase for you at my local BIG5 Sporting Goods store and tell you, “If you lose your footing or the ropes we’ve hammered into the mountain come out and you feel yourself falling to your death, take those metal spikey things and jam them hard into the mountain. They should help you out, pretty good, I think.”

There would obviously be those scenarios where you wanted to hook yourself into a wire and slide down from one side of a mountain, over a chasm, to the other side of another mountaintop. I could totally rig that for you, too, since I have logged hours and hours in my XBOX game Splinter Cell where you do just that. Many times, I have done that. I have even paused the game to see just how that rigging is all hooked up and realized it’s pretty much just a few nails, screws and a pulley. Pulley-systems are easy to install.

I would probably take you to one of those fake-climbing wall things that they have on really expensive cruise ships and in some exclusive health clubs so you got a sense of how everything would go down when I finally dropped you at the base of the mountaintop I had just rigged for you. That would ensure that if you really got into trouble, you would just think back to the cruise ship experience and all would be good.

Having just written all of the details out in this post, I’m pretty damn confident now. Even more confident about the fact that I could totally rig a mountain for you. Even more confident than I was when I started to type it all. If I have to be honest, I was really unsure that I could rig a mountain for you when I started to type, but now that I’ve laid out the whole cruise ship thing along with those spikey metal helper doo-dads, I can confidently tell you now that without question I am your man. I am your guy.

And I don’t need to watch any of those mountain climbing shows on The Discovery Channel to help me, either.

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