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  • Paul Davidson

I Could Have Been An Olympic Medalist In The 100 Yard Dash

There are people who have dreams and there are people who have dreams that really, honestly, could have totally been achieved had they just gotten up off their ass and done something about it.

I’m the kind of person who falls into the second category.

For all my life I’ve run. Away, from bullies. Away, from the scene of a hit and run that I really wasn’t involved in although they said I “caused the accident by swerving into a busy street from a sidestreet and causing another car to hit a second car while trying to avoid me”. Away from annoyed homeowners who believe that toilet paper should only be on display in a lavatory of some kind.

I used to run to and from things all the time. I’d run to class, for no reason. Just to run. Just to get there in a quick timely manner. I like the feel of the wind against my face. I’d run from the front doors of a multi-plex movie theater and to my “exact center seat” on opening nights of any given movie. I would run to my car in a dark parking lot and I would run from an elevator when getting off in a huge, tall office building just in case said elevator had a faulty cable (which always breaks right AFTER the pressure or weight is let off of them, i.e., me getting off). But along the way, there was one thing all of these life experiences were training me for.

Running the 100 Yard Dash in the Olympics.

Know this. I have not timed myself in an actual one-hundred yard situation. But I have timed myself in all of the above referenced moments. They break down as follows:

Running Away From Bullies: 3.4 seconds Running Away From The Scene of a Hit and Run: 10.2 seconds Running Away From Annoyed Homeowners: 2.1 seconds Running To Class: .04 seconds Running To The Movie Theater Center Seat: 5.9 seconds Running To My Car in a Parking Lot: 3.4 seconds Running From An Elevator: 7.3 seconds

Average Running To/From/Away Times: 4.62 seconds Olympic World Record in 100 Yard Dash: 9.40 seconds

I think if you look at the above times, you’ll realize that already my 100 Yard Dash time in the Olympics would be almost doubly-as-fast as the current record holder in that event. It almost amazes me that whoever recruits Olympic hopefuls have yet to track me down.

That, of course, won’t be the case after word of this post reaches the rest of the civilized world.

I half wouldn’t be surprised if some country outside of the U.S. who is determined to take home the most gold medals at this years Olympic Games in Greece actually contacted me and offered me tons of perks. Russian mail-order dates. Swiss chocolate and watches. Turkey’s turkey. The funny thing is, I’m so patriotic that I would turn all of them down.

And that’s probably where the reality hits hard. Although the rest of the countries would probably be frothing at the mouth to sign me as their “100 Yard Gold Medal For Sure Guy” the United States would probably balk at such a thing. They’d probably not even believe it was true. They wouldn’t even give me a chance to show them. So, all in all, it’s a Catch 22. The U.S. won’t consider me and I can’t consider the other countries interested in me due to my allegiance to this country.

I guess that’s why I just continue to sit on my ass and let my dreams of becoming the next Olympic Gold Medal winner take a backseat to watching television.

At least I know I have the potential. That makes the bloated stomach and my “Cheeto finger powder” disease all worth it.

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