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  • Paul Davidson

I Could Be Your Psychologist

First of all, I’d tell you that you don’t have to lie down.

It’s a common fallacy, I’d tell you, that lying down on a cushy couch would cause you to be more in touch with your feelings. I’d tell you that you could sit up, stand up, stand on one foot, lay on the floor, do a headstand or even stand right up against my picturesque windows that overlook the city if you want. No matter where you stood or sat or laid down — my success in helping you overcome all your psychological issues would still be guaranteed.

I wouldn’t prescribe drugs. No no no no no. There would be no prozac or ritalin or anything that would help you feel more comfortable in social situations. I wouldn’t give you anything that would help you sleep or allow you to feel less jittery. I wouldn’t shoot you up with any kind of man-made chemicals in an attempt to regulate who you really are inside.

My trademark saying would be, “Hey, you are who you are!”

If you’re crazy and violent and you have an obsession with stuffed snakes and you surround yourself by bad elements or people with really destructive hobbies like gambling and/or hangliding with blindfolds on — hey, you are who you are! Live with it! Learn to embrace it!

I would tell you that all those other quacks out there… yes, I would call other psychologists quacks and even make a quacking sound to make fun of myself (cause I’m so at ease with who I am)… I would tell you that all those other quacks out there, although they had their big city diplomas from ivy league schools, that they were rubbish. That they, for all intents and purposes, sucked the big stinky rotten egg.

Those quacks with their unreadable prescriptions and their couches and their calming “office visit voices” and their mousy but thorough assistants… They are nothing compared to me and the way I would handle your issues. Of course, some poeple would choose to challenge my unusual practices. They would put me under the microscope and try and defraud me.

But I would simply tell them, “Hey, you are who you are!” and leave it at that. It would sort of be my equivalent of pleading the fifth. I would simply answer each of their questions with my trademark line.

Board of Psychologists, Chairman: “Mr. Davidson — what do you have to say for yourself?”

Me: “Hey, you are who you are!”

Board of Psychologists, Chairman: “Do you have any remorse after having given twenty-two of your patients unsound and unsafe advice?”

Me: “Like I said, you are who you are!”

You know, I’d change the “Hey” at the beginning to things like “Like I said” and “Popular opinion states that” and “Funny you ask me that but” and “HA. HA. HA”. They would never break me or my way of coaching you, my client, through your daily and weekly psychological problems. I would be there for you and you would be there for me and we would exist in a mutually-supportive environment that would never require you to take drugs, change your personality, or have to go around apologizing to people for your psycho actions.

I could be your psychologist, and you would so be the better for it.

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