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  • Paul Davidson

I Could Be Your Personal, Non-Electronic Voting Machine Guy

Calling all Floridians!

I know you’re concerned with the upcoming vote on November 2nd due to the debacle about four years ago. You’re sick of chads and paper voting punchers and you share the worries of citizens across this great country of ours. That is why, if I am chosen for the job, I could be your personal, non-electronic voting machine. How will it work?

Call me. Call me on my phone and tell me who you are and who you’re voting for and which measures for your state you are interested in seeing become law. I have this little pad of paper near my phone which I use for messages which will be, on November 2nd, used solely for the national vote. I will keep a tally on this little pad for each of you who call me.

But what if everyone calls you, Paul? Won’t that become overwhelming? How will you handle such a chaotic thing?

Silly, voter. I have just come back, if you must know, from Costco — where I purchased a huge stack of pads. This way, if I use one pad up with your votes then I will just move onto the next pad. And so on and so on. Then when the official voting tally guy calls me and asks me who has won the election, I will just sit down and read him each of the little slips of paper and it will be better than any electronic touch-pad thingie that any biased corporation can create on their own.

But what about the different time zones? How will you stay awake?

Caffiene. Simply put, caffiene. The problem with the voting in Florida was simple — the program was flawed. When you only have to rely on one person (ME) then there’s much less chance of a mistake. Hell, I’m the one guy writing all these notes down on all these little tiny pieces of note paper! Just me! And my phone! If you call and it’s busy, you call back when it’s not busy. No cheating, no miscounts, no electronic debuggery.

I could be your personal, non-electronic voting machine, and we would all be better off.

But how will you handle the tallying of the votes of every single American in the country? That’s not humanly possible!?

I am not human in that I have clocked myself in using the phone and taking notes. I am very very very quick. Quicker than you have ever seen someone take notes and operate a touch-tone phone. I am also quick with conversations. Here’s how it might go down:

Me: Hi, who do you want?

You: Candidate #1

Me: Thank you, goodbye.

See? Simple, quick, no-small talk. It takes an average voter about 30 minutes to wait in line and vote. It takes me 5 seconds to tally yours. Divide 30 into 5 into the amount of people in the country who are going to vote and multiply it by some decimal and take the fraction of that and you’ll see it’s actually possible for me to tally the entire countrywide vote in less than 3 1/2 hours (with call waiting). Now, in regards to the other pieces of law that must be voted on, I’m starting to think that those should be handled by someone else. That may get to be a bit too much for me (not because I can’t handle it) because I really just want to concentrate on who will win the Presidency.

I’m dedicated to doing this, just so you know. Totally dedicated. I just need to figure out now who can give me the job.

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