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I Could Be Your Own Personal Books-on-Tape Service

I know what you’re feeling.

You don’t have the time to read. You barely have time to read magazines or watch Entertainment Tonight. You hear about all these books hitting the New York Times best-seller list and you think to yourself, "Man, I would really love to be more literate. I would really love to be able to discuss books like an intelligent word-smith. I would really love to be referred to, in my close circle of friends, as the book-meister master."

And then, you think about Books on Tape.

The problem, of course, stems from the fact that books on tape are expensive. You’ll have to drop a good $25-50 bucks just to pick one up. But what if… What if I was your personal books-on-tape service?

Yes, I know. You are now fully interested. What would it cost, you wonder. What books are available? What’s the catch?

As you personal books-on-tape service, I would offer any book that has ever been published on my list. I would charge you a low low price of 99 cents. You would receive, in your inbox, a chapter at a time in MP3 format with me reading the words myself. I would be energetic, enthusiastic and probably pretty damn funny.

There would be drawbacks – I have to be honest about this.

You’d probably hear me doing a variety of things in the background as I read your requested novel. From washing my hands to periodically going off on tangents as I try to set my VCR to a variety of other everyday activities — you would feel as though you were living in the world of the book, and my world as well. It would be The Da Vinci Code meets Pauly D trying to microwave a Pop Tart.

But just think — where else could you get such wonderfully diverse books-on-tape?

Nowhere.

As there is an endless supply of books to choose from, I would like to let you know what books have currently been recorded in MP3 format for you request. They include the following: The Firm (with elements of me trying to get a poppy seed out of my teeth with a variety of household objects), The Lion The Witch & The Wardrobe (which I read while I’m shaving, getting dressed, and driving in the car to a meeting — which also includes three close-calls while driving) and The Shining (which I read while having an argument on the phone with an ex-girlfriend who insists she left her scrunchie in my bathroom).

Requests are more than welcome.

In other news, Ain’t It Cool News (the only true gossip site when it comes to Hollywood) pays some attention to a recent Q&A I did on screenwriting at UC Irvine. It’s more about one of my buds, but nonetheless, a mention is a mention.

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