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  • Paul Davidson

I Could Be Your Marriage Counselor

I know. It hurts.

But you should also know that I have watched my share of Dr. Phil and Jenny Jones and Oprah and that show where the guy talks to the dead. And as a result of all my logged hours of television watching, I could totally, for sure, be your marriage counselor.

First I would get you and yours into the studio, putting you both on stage without any other couches or chairs or really any kind of graphics behind you. Just a spotlight fixed on you and yours as you sit opposite each other in these huge high-chair things that subconsciously will convince you that you are both regressing to the point of conception — which is seemingly the only mental place from wherest you and yours will be able to resolve your issues.

But the two of you are not talking. You have that look of disdain in your eyes. You can’t stand the way he does this and he can’t stand the way she does that. That’s where I come in. Your marriage counselor.

I will put my hand on your knee and her shoulder (as to keep any sexual harrassment charges from being levied) and I will say in a calm and soothing voice: “Tell her really how you feel.”

Then you will tell her about the incident and the instances from wherest your pain and anger stems and then I will turn to her and say to her in a soothing voice that isn’t as calm as it was before and will say: “Now tell him how you feel about how he really feels…”

The combination of the lights and being on stage in front of a studio audience and knowing that the public will be watching this dialogue at some point during the middle of the day on TV will cause the two of you to tell each other really how you feel and truly how you feel about each other’s feelings and then the heavens will open up and you will both have clarity for the first time that indeed, the two of you never should have ended up together and the best thing to do is to get a divorce or separate from each other.

And that is just the moment when I will step in and tell you, “Don’t take the easy road, folks.”

The two of you will look at me, look at the honest emotions on my face and then look to each other and think to yourself how you were so close from ending what I knew was the most important thing in your life and that had it not been for me and my superior marriage counseling, the two of you would have ended up living a meaningless existence without each other.

Boy, am I good.

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