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  • Paul Davidson

I Could Be Your Ill-Informed Tax Man

You didn’t get your taxes off in the mail on Friday? No problem!

Really, if you’re concerned you shouldn’t be, because sending your taxes out late really isn’t much of an issue. You’d think the IRS would care if they were late, and you’d think that’s the case because everyone on the news says that it’s the case, but if you were the IRS and you wanted to throw empty threats out to America in an attempt to try and get all those taxes in on time, what would you say? You’d say, “Better get those taxes in on time or you are gonna be in trouble!” As a result, the threat motivates people to get it in on time, but for those others unmotivated by empty threats…they’re not in any hot water because of it. Sending in your taxes late is not an issue.

If I was your ill-informed tax man, I would provide you with gems like the previous one, in addition to a variety of other really good pieces of advice in helping you get the most out of the money you make.

For example — do you love movies but are you a nurse? Well, some people might say that you can’t write off the money you spend on DVDs and movies and magazines about movies and food you ate at the movies, but in reality — you can! ER and Chicago Hope are television shows about being a nurse. Do you write off your cable because you watch the show in an attempt to further your educational process? Do you write off your movie magazines because there’s some information in there about how injured movie stuntmen are treated in the ER? Well you should. And you shouldn’t be afraid that the tax man is gonna getcha!

As your ill-informed tax man, I would have a variety of other pieces of advice that may or may not be helpful. I would encourage you to pretend that you have 9 chlidren. I would suggest that you might want to write off the car payments of your entire extended family. I would advise you to create three alternate egos (or multiple personalities) with their own jobs and deductions, of which you should be able to collect refunds from. In the end, if you only made $58,000 last year, I’d make sure you got back at least $70,334 in refunds.

You’d love me. Yes I know you would.

Sure, friends and family would say things like, “you’d better be careful about that tax guy of yours…he just doesn’t seem to be giving you the greatest advice…” but then you’d look at the refund check, which you got from submitting your taxes late and which you procured by creating multiple alter-egos and a family of fake children, and you’d realize that your ill-informed tax man might just be onto something.

You’d revile in the fact that your ill-informed tax man, who on the surface might appear ill-informed, really was using his ill-informed-ness to net you money that you never expected to see. Your ill-informed tax man, although you only made $23,000 a year, had made you and your huge family of children and multiple personalities…millionaires — and that would erase all the questioning and ill-will from those bastards in your extended family. Buck up! Forget about them. You’re the one making the cold hard cash!!

As your ill-informed tax man, I would remind you that in the event of an audit (which would so NEVER happen), I would be available to give you advice from Canada, where I reside. I’ve always lived there, just so you know… It’s not like I moved there as soon as you got in trouble. But like I always say — in the event of an audit there’s many options you have to choose from. Among them, Toronto is a really great place to relocate this time of year.

Jail, schmail. That’s what I say.

And I think when you really lay it all out on one of those positive negative lists, you’ll see that making me your ill-informed tax man is a far better decision than any previous decision you’ve ever made throughout your entire life.

My fees are steep. But that, my friends, is what makes me the right man for the job.

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