I Could Be Your Human Alarm Clock
Let’s face it — waking up to the radio or an ear-shattering buzzer is not the best way to greet the sun of a new day.
But give me the chance — the real god’s honest chance to be your human alarm clock and you will never want to go back. You will wake up to quiet little gems of wisdom, songs that remind you of your childhood, thoughts about the World around you…and you will throw that Sony Dream Machine cube thingie into the garbage. You will never stop and think, “Why did I throw away my Sony Dream Machine?” because you will not care.
Why? Because I will be your new human alarm clock and all will be good.
Just imagine going to sleep the previous night, after a hard day at work. Stressed, aching feet, pounding headache — a night’s sleep is what you need. There’s no need to even turn off the light as I would already be there, crouched by the lightswitch on the floor, looking up with the best “human alarm clock smirk” as I could muster…
“Leave that light switch to me, buddy,” I’d say. “Lay your head down and go to sleep, and pray the Lord your soul to keep, and if you die before I wake — well, I’ll call the authorities and make sure that none of that wonky C.S.I. body-mutilation stuff goes on until after the funeral.”
You’d look at me with trusting eyes and fall into a deep sleep as I turned off the lights — using the rest of the evening to prepare for the big awakening the next day. Your choices of a wake up scenario are wide and varied.
Choose from a variety of wake-up songs, which I will sing in the correct rhythm and proper tone: 9 to 5, The Lonesome Loser, Cold as Ice, Theme Song From “The Munsters”, Stairway to Heaven, 911 is a Joke, Parents Just Don’t Understand, Betty Davis’ Eyes and 19 by Paul Hardcastle.
Or choose from a variety poems/haikus about oranges, kiwis, tv/vcr repair, the difference between carbonated water and flavored water, the monkey’s paw, hawaii, flowers & bees and my childhood in Rhode Island on the beach with the sand crabs and the horrible drowning that happened that day.
Or if the song/poem venue isn’t how you want to wake up — why not customize your wake up experience? Some of the most recent customizations include:
Client #23B: Wake up to the hissing sound of a snake (as done by me), followed by the rattling of the bed from underneath (me, again), followed by the humming of the theme song from The Towering Inferno and finished up with a whistle-song that sounds very much like a siren of a UK police car.
Client #12D: Reciting of the first page of Homer’s Odyssey, followed by a small acting sequence in which I pretend to be Oedipus Rex gouging out my eyes, a brief fit of screaming and finishing up with my rendition of “Somewhere Out There” from An American Tail.
Client #2A: Me, doing the sound of an alarm buzzing as best as I possibly can.
As you can see – the possibilities are endless and the future of human alarm clock technology is at your fingertips. For just pennies a day you can experience what it’s like to have your own tailor-made wake up scenario…
I could be your human alarm clock — it’s just up to you to open the door.