I Could Be Your “Hey!” Neighbor

Sometimes leaving your house in the morning for work is a sobering experience.

You’ve got neighbors…check! You’ve lived there for years…check! You come and go many times on a daily basis…check! But everytime you leave your house, you are unfortunately not greeted, not said hello to and it’s almost like you were never born!

(Booming voice here) It is like you do not exist!

That is why I could be your “hey!” neighbor.

My entire job would be simply to make you feel at home, outside your home. My entire goal would be to elicit a smile and a wave as you exited your front door. My entire desire would be to make you feel like, once and for all, you were noticed, needed and a necessity in the neighborhood at large.

“Hey!”

I’d say it in a variety of ways. Mostly with a wave, a smile and a wink. Sometimes I’d be holding a garden hoe which I’d wield above my head like a modern-day horror antagonist — but in reality, you would just know that I’d been out working on my garden. Yet, if you’d ever come over to say “hey!” to me you’d realize I didn’t have a garden at all and the whole hoe thing was a ruse — a way for you to think I was just outside and saying “hey!” when in reality, I was just outside holding the hoe just so I could say “hey!” without arousing suspicions that my life only existed to be your “hey!” neighbor.

These things have to stay on the down low.

Sometimes I would wait by my front door with a briefcase in my hand (even though I never use one) and I’d be wearing a suit for my fake job. You wouldn’t know my job since you’ve never come over to ask me what I do for a living, but that’s a moot point. I would wait until you left your house and then I’d skip out and flash you a wide-eyed, “holy crap what a coincidence” kind of look which would be accompanied by a wonderful, happy little “hey!”

You’d probably say “hey!” back, but only because I said it in the first place.

Over time, after busting my ass to give you that feeling of belonging in the neighborhood, and being someone who everyone loved — I’d probably start to get a little bit annoyed at you. I mean, what’s the deal? I say “hey!” to you on a dailiy basis (sometimes hourly) and do you ever come by to see what’s going on?

No.

Do you ever say “hey!” to me first? Do you ever call me up to see how I’m doing in the current economic situation? Do you ever bring me cookies during the holidays? Offer to use your leaf-blower on MY DRIVEWAY? Do you ever put any effort forth in fostering our neighborhood relationship?

No. Because you’re an ass. And honestly, why would I want to say “hey!’ to someone like that? Right?

“Could” is definitely the key word here.