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  • Paul Davidson

I Can’t Swallow Pills

I have tried, but I cannot do the deed.

With all the technology in the world (including the adhesive, non-lickable postage stamp) you’d think someone up there at the highest eschelon of inventors would come up with a way to NOT have to swallow a horse pill with a huge glass of water. When I must do so, it’s often in the morning and I end up gagging, tasting the stupid pill on the back of my tongue, swallowing it through a ten-step laborious process, and find myself going through an entire day with the back of my tongue tasting like rotten, rusted metal.

(Picture me with my arms outstretched to the ceiling, face contorted in pain:) “There has got to be a better way!!”

How do I feed my dog pills when he’s got to take pills? I roll them up in a piece of turkey or some kind of processed meat of some kind or I stuff them into the center of a treat or a rolled up piece of bread. Simple. Easy. Tastes great — supposedly.

Why can’t the people at the pharmaceutical companies create some kind of partnership with the people at Kraft and come up with little cheese bites peppered with Sudafed? Or why can’t they partner up with someone at Hostess and put out one of those awesome chocolate cup cakes filled with creme filling and beads of Prozac? Why! WHY!?!

Before long, we could see a whole line of food diguised as medicine hitting the shelves. There would be the Viagra Pizza, the Glucosamine Condroiten Eclair, the Extra Strength Tylenol Curry Chicken Sandwich. We could sit down to a meal of Bread Pudding and Steak only to find out that we’ve also taken our Vitamin C and Levitra. We could branch out by combining those drugs that allow people to overcome panic attacks in social situations with martinis! Think about it!

“I’ll have a sour apple Paxil martini! Two olives please!”

And just watch as that anxiety of social situations is melted away in a social situation as you down an awesome sour apple martini without having to take a pill whatsoever!!

I think when you really think about what I’m saying here, you’ll probably agree it’s almost as good an idea as my idea for edible toothpicks.

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