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  • Paul Davidson

I Can Rule Out All of The Signs

You could touch my arm with a twinkle in your eye, every minute for an hour, and I would never have any idea you were trying to tell me something.

You could bump up against me and say “Watch it” or you could eat a fry off my plate or you could accidentally leave your purse on my desk and come back to get it at the end of the day. You could offer to show me your very valuable collection of 1980’s John Hughes movie posters or you could wink at me while looking at me across the room or you could brace yourself on my shoulder as you adjust your shoe.

I would rule out each and every hint to clumsiness, hunger, forgetfulness, enthusiasm for the 80’s, dirt in your eye or lack of balance.

It’s funny that this is the case, but the reality of it all is that men as a species have no concept of when women are giving them hints that they adore them. (Or that they want to sleep with them.)

Men are clumsy at giving the signs, because basically, we tell you you’re hot or we want to get into bed with you or we want your number or we ask you out. Due to societal norms, putting men in the dominant position to make advances and ask for dates, this is our bed and we must sleep in it. But when faced with women trying to push along the timeline, almost always our senses do not take hold. And even if we did catch a sign, we will always wonder if it was a sign or if it simply was a coincidence.

There are some women who take the bull by the horn and speak their mind. But this group of women makes up a small percentage of the world. Well, or most of them are in Italy.

In the meantime, however, I have determined a sure-fire way for men to be able to figure out if what they’re experiencing is a real affectionate sign or purely an accidental sign. Either she likes you or she doesn’t, and this should clear a few things up:

She Likes You Bumps up against you Eats food from your plate Pats you with force on your shoulder Hides your office supplies Shoots you with rubberbands Gets you a muffin in the morning Tweaks your ear Sends you more than 3 e-mails a day Touches your hand Asks you to walk her to her car

She Doesn’t Like You Laughs at you Stares longingly at the poster behind you Tells her friends about her ‘weird co-worker’ Drains the brake fluid from your car Stomps on your feet with her high heel Puts rat poison in your coffee Locks you in the bathroom after hours Sends the office more than 3 e-mails a day about your lack of productivity

Disclaimer: The above advice is not designed to assist you in picking and choosing your next romantic subject. It is, instead, meant for humor purposes only. WFME does not accept any responsibility for any accidental or fatal injures as a result of putting the above instructions into practice.

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