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  • Paul Davidson

I Am Uncomfortable With You Asking Me The Size Of My Shoe

People are always asking me how big my feet are.

I don’t know why anyone in the entire world cares about the size of anyone else’s feet. Seriously, why do you care? What’s the reason? Even if you are some ultra-chaotic shoe fanatic who buys all the latest shoes and you’re taking a poll to see what sizes they come in or if we’re the same size so you can borrow my shoes, I still find the question a little strange. The conversation always reeks of the soon-to-be-asked shoe question way before the question is even asked. Here. Look:

Them: Hey. Me: Hey.

(Already, I can tell they’re going to ask me about my shoe size.)

Them: What’s up? Me: Not much, you?

(In the above exchange, they’re not merely asking what’s going on in my life, but they’re alluding to the fact that they’ve noticed my new shoes.)

Them: You know, a little bit of this and that. Me: Don’t I know it, buddy.

(I’m not sure the above statement/exchange is anything more than a bridge to the next question, which I have already prepared myself for way in the beginning of our conversation.)

Them: Hey, you got new shoes? Me: Yup!

(Here it comes.)

Them: Nice! What size shoe do you wear?

BOOM.

Really. Please. Why do you need to know the size of my shoe? What purpose does it serve? If I tell you one number or another number, will the number cause you to think one thing versus another thing?

Herein lies the problem with society and shoe sizes.

If I tell you I wear a size THIRTEEN shoe (which I do, thankyouverymuch), what sort of thoughts will enter your head. Will you view me as a real man or a clumsy one whose huge feet probably can’t navigate a dance floor or a narrow passageway? Do my large feet make you think that I am the missing link in a society of large-footed neanderthals? Or do you simply take that information, think about the common fallacy about large footed guys, and go off on your merry way either feeling jealous or intrigued?

I’m telling you. Seriously. There is no reason for you to ask me about the size of my shoes. So, please. Get that through your thick skull.

Which reminds me — I heard that people with thick skulls are supposed to be geniuses.

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