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  • Paul Davidson

I Am Going To Pretend To Let You In My Lane, Then Speed Up

I see you in my rear view mirror.

I have been watching you for about ten minutes now as you ride in the lane next to the rest of us — who have been stopped in bumper to bumper traffic for miles. We are just trying to get onto the freeway interchange and there’s only one lane going there. And then there’s you — speeding along in the lane next to us, assuming you’re going to snake your way into the line at the last minute.

I see you in my rear view mirror.

At first there’s a variety of thoughts that go through my head. Why not be a good samaritan and make some space for this car? They obviously weren’t aware that the lanes go down to one here. They probably are late to some holiday family event and if they don’t make it onto the freeway or they get in a fender bender, well, there goes the good spirits. Why not slow my car up, and allow said citizen to sneak in and remove a little bit of stress from their day?

I slow down, making room.

You see me do it and you are quick to move alongside my car — where you put on your blinker as if to let me know that you are taking me up on my very generous automobile offer. And then as you start to move into the space that IS the holy grail…

I will speed up, blocking you from taking the forbidden fruit.

I laugh to myself, because honestly, I could do this all day. Pretending to let people in, then speeding up and teaching said “snakes” a lesson. It makes me feel good. Happy. Satisfied. After doing it for about six times on a variety of highway on ramps and off ramps (I have driven miles to places I didn’t need to go, just to get my fix), I have come across a variety of other ways to make me feel better about my life:

1. Signal that I’m going into your lane, then go the opposite direction. 2. Stop short at insanely high speeds, causing you to hit your breaks in defense. 3. Mouth obscenities at you that, well, are incoherent obscenities. 4. Complete 47 doughnuts in the parking lot of the local Target. 5. Honk at you when you don’t signal. 6. Honk at you when you don’t let me into your lane. 7. Honk at you when you signal correctly. 8. Drive right up to your bumper, tailgating, then honking like in the Spielberg movie Duel. 9. Play Wilson Phillips “Hold On” out my open windows, at high decibals. 10. Drive everywhere, backwards.

These things make me happy. These things make me feel complete. Yet they pale in comparison to pretending to let you into my lane, then psyching you out.

Because THAT, is fun.

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