I Am Faster Than My Computer

It’s true. I am faster than my computer.

No matter how amazing the technological improvements become, no matter how blindingly-fast the processors are, no matter how lightning-quick the button-pressing, key hitting and internal system clocks can be — I am still faster than any computer on the face of the Earth (past, present or future).

No, no, no, no, no. My brain cannot computate a million mathematical processes in thirty seconds flat. No, I cannot render effects on a video clip within a minute. No, I cannot multi-task between twelve programs, all doing computations and other complicated mathematical equations.

But I can check my e-mail, browse a web page, insert new contact information into my datebook, apply for a credit card through a secure web interface and shoot some baddies on a Flash-based game faster than my computer can handle it. I am always ten steps ahead of my computer no matter how advanced, no matter how fast, no matter how cutting edge.

I am like Tron, if you think about it.

No, no, no, no, no. It is not about RAM. It is not about cleaning out my system on a monthly basis and deleting cookies. It is not about getting a faster processor or updating the firmware on a variety of programs and USB devices. It is not about the 200+ gigabytes of music I have sitting on a Firewire drive.

If I had a lightcycle, I would be GOD here.

Just why computers can never exceed the multitasking everyday abilities that we as humans have is anyone’s guess. Personally, I believe there’s some problem at the very basic levels of computer programming and development. Since we, as humans, have limitations — so too do our creations. Sure, they can do many things faster than us, but they will never be able to do everything faster than us. And since I am faster than my computer where it counts…

Well, you can just call me Bruce Boxleitner.

In thinking about the fact that I am faster than my own computer, I would like to also address the other things I am faster than. I am faster than my toaster (I can flame-toast a piece of bread faster than my own toaster), my hand-held stopwatch (I can count to 60 faster than a modern-day machine-made stopwatch can), any person with a wooden or fake leg in the 100 Yard Dash, a chipmunk and a tree-trunk (I can whittle a tree-trunk down faster than the toothy-critters of the trees can, a straw (I can down liquid faster than a straw can syphon liquid), and I am faster than my remote control — which takes forever to execute a variety of pre-programmed commands (turn on TV, turn on TiVO, turn on DVD, turn to my favorite channel, play program) simply by doing it on my own.

I am fast where it counts. Yet I am slow, when I need to be.

And that, my friends — is what life is all about.