FPJ, SMG, DF and Pauly D
The saga never ends.
I’m sure you remembered when I asked FPJ to just vocalize to me that we were best friends. He refused, of course, mostly because his “girl” Sarah Michelle Gellar (SMG) hates me and never wanted to see that friendship bloom to its fullest extent.
Lately, I had come to be okay with the situation, thanks to the support of many WFME readers. Really, when your friends stand up for you and spit in the virtual face of stars who get paid to act opposite a CGI-enhanced cartoon dog…well, you know you’re in good company.
But isn’t it just Murphy’s Law that the day you find peace with something, it shows up just in time to ruin your day?
Yeah, I know.
I had abandoned the pilot I was developing with FPJ and started working on a new one with my “best friend” David Faustino. You know the guy from Married With Children but he’s more than just Bud Bundy. He’s a smart guy, one hell of an idea guy and a great writer. We met, if you can believe this, at Pink’s Hot Dogs one night in LA. We got to talking, how most drunk people in LA do, and we came up with an amazing idea for a new show.
Sewer Alien is a half-hour comedy in the vein of ALF about a down-on-his-luck lawyer who, on the night of losing his biggest case, he stumbles upon an alien that looks like a mix between a koala bear and Ed Norton. The creature, also down on his luck after crashing onto Earth, befriends our lawyer and becomes his protege — and starts studying for passing the bar. The voice of the alien, in our minds, should be William Shatner.
Anyway, DF and me were finishing up the finale of the pilot on Friday night (trying to get it done before my move this weekend because once you move you’re M.I.A. for like a week) at the local Starbucks down on Robertson in Beverly Hills. We were just finishing this great exchange where the alien is practicing his closing statement on a recent prostitution case and starts regurgitating some weird alien-like acid stuff. Man, hilarious. Well, DF is acting this out and I’m laughing my head off when the doors open to reveal FPJ and SMG — arm in arm.
DF knows FPJ and SMG — they go around in the same circles. Well, DF turns around and sees them and starts to say hi to them and they don’t see me yet, I’m sitting down.
DF: “Hey F, S. Whattup?”
FPJ: “Not much, man. What’s up with you?”
I obviously don’t want to be left out of this conversation — so I pop up and sidle up to David.
PSD: “We’re developing a new pilot, if you must know. A better pilot than some I have developed in the past with people who have refused to vocalize that they were my best friend.”
DF looked at me, unaware of the situation. SMG gave a snarl.
SMG: “Oh, the stupid zombie thing that I told F was a waste of his time?”
PSD: “That’s awfully interesting, coming from someone who battled Vampires for like, ten-thousand years and did nothing else except act opposite a CGI-animated dog.”
SMG: “Whatever, wasabi-thrower. FPJ is better off not being best friends with you!”
PSD: “Like I care. DF and I are best friends, and he was on one of the longest running sitcoms ever to grace TV’s across the world!”
Now, I’m looking at FPJ’s face — and he’s got this hurt expression on his face. This doe-eyed, puppy-dog droopy sad thing going on. He puts his hand in front of SMG as if to stop her blathering, and looks seriously to David Faustino.
FPJ: (to DF) “You guys are best friends?”
SMG: (to FPJ) “Please don’t tell me you care, F.”
FPJ: (to SMG) “I want to know.”
I decide that the man who couldn’t stand up for himself and profess his friendship to one of, if not the bestest friend ever in his life had to hear the truth from the horse’s mouth and since I was the horse in the current situation, I was going to do the talking… And so I did.
PSD: “We are so best friends, F. We hang out all the time. I know DF’s hopes and dreams. I know what DF likes to eat for breakfast. Sometimes we ride around with the top down, picking up on chicks and using bats to knock over people’s mailboxes. The kind of things, best friends do!”
Then, of course, what’s-her-name decides she’s got to get the answer to this burning question that is now eating up the insides of Mr. FPJ.
SMG: (to DF) “Is this true?”
Then, the long pause of defeat. DF had this weird look in his eyes.
DF: “We’re writing a pilot together. Does that make us best friends?”
PSD: “Uh, yes!?”
DF was waffling — I grabbed him by the shoulders and spun him around, whispering into his ear, “DF, we have been working long and hard on this alien thing and if you could just vocalize that we’re best friends to FPJ and SMG, I know that my creative juices will be enhanced even more and we’ll hit a homerun and get this thing sold…”
DF looked at me, much in the way FPJ looked at me that dark day at the coffee shop, and stepped away from my side and onto the opposing team’s side. Now, FPJ, SMG and DF were standing shoulder to shoulder, staring at me.
DF: “No, we’re not best friends. Never have been. Never will be.”
Like being punched in the stomach, the air left my lungs.
PSD: “DF! What are you talking about. We are SO best friends.”
But DF just shook his head and turned and walked away — leaving me face to face with FPJ and SMG.
All three of them exited the coffee shop, not even taking the time to order even though they came in the place in the first place to order something. Well, whatever.
Personally, deep down, I know that FPJ and DF and even SMG have all wanted to be best friends with me but have kept a certain distance that comes with growing up in the Entertainment Industry. I know this has something to do with it. And because of that, I am okay with their aversion to vocalization. I will move on, forget FPJ, SMG and DF and find another well-known B-star to develop another project with. It will happen, I will succeed and before you know it you’ll be watching my show.
I have a lunch meeting next week with the kid from Jerry Maguire who really likes the alien idea. So, you know, that could work out. He wants to be the voice of the alien, but I think if I talk him into the William Shatner thing, maybe he could play the younger brother of the guy who has the talking goatee. I think that, could elevate what DF and I created into something even better. Maybe even award-winning.